I know it's been a while...but some guy ran away from me

Hey all,

I know we haven't posted in a while - both of us have VERY busy jobs - and we're all dealing with the a-hole dudes in our lives.
No really, I know it's been a while but the last guy I went on a date with literally ran away from me.

I've been messaging this guys for a couple of weeks, which then progressed to some serious texting. The whole thing lasted a few weeks longer than I normally would approve of, but in my line of work (cough, cough, retail) it's a little busy this time of year.

So Alex - oh yeah, his name is Alex - and I went out for a drink in my 'hood.  One drink turned into three and turned into dinner and five hours later I was all "oh gosh, is it already 12:30?! I have to be at work at 8. Time for me to go home." Alex, being the awesome guy that I thought he was offered to walk me home.

Now, a girl might think that after five hours of a date, where you insist on paying for everything and then insist on walking me home in my incredibly safe neighborhood, that Alex would be interested.

HAHA the jokes on you fuckers, because he wasn't. This guy walked me home and then fled as if I told him that I was wearing a smallpox blanket. No "thanks I had a great time" hug. No "let's do this again soon" weird cheek kiss/hug. Not even an "sooo, this was...great?" super awkward goodbye. Just a fucking cut and run as soon as I was at my door.

Now, gents...whats the deal. I'm not about to spend five hours, let alone my $$$ on some guy who turns out, I'm not that into. What happened here? No seriously, WHAT HAPPENED? If you're not interested, please just say something. Don't lead me on for an entire evening (an evening I could be drinking wine alone in my underpants, thankyouverymuch), and then not do anything about it.

Listen. I wasn't invested in Alex. I was invested in my five hours, my Blue Moons and my burger. But if Alex wasn't interested in me, why was he too afraid to say so? At this point in my life I'm not looking for anything resembling a serious relationship - and I'm certainly not hiding that fact. So if all I really want is your honesty, why is it so hard to tell me no? Oh, and maybe I should mention that I'm an actor so rejection REALLY HONESTLY SERIOUSLY doesn't faze me.

WHAT THE WHAT?!

Sleazebag of the Week: Thanksgiving Edition

No contest.  I present to you, ladies & gentlemen, our winner... Or "weiner" as the case may be.

I rest my case.

My favorite part of the entire thing is "No, it doesn't make me feel good!"  Well.  To be fair, I did warn him.

It also would appear "SickPuppy" has the same understanding of female reproductive system as many male members of the GOP.  If I met this person, I would want to gently clasp his arm, look deeply into his eyes with concern, and say, "You know that's not anatomically possible... Right?"  Dear God, is there any hope for the future? These are the things that keep me awake at night

Final thought:  Last time I checked, being Jewish did not suddenly absolve you of being a complete fucking moron.  Thanks for playing, though.

On a related note, I will most likely be off PlentyofFish soon.

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You know how I can tell right away you don't have game?  You use the tactics in one of the books in the following article: 6 best-selling books with bad dating advice

Do yourself (and me) a favor - just be you!  Then you won't need this ridiculous and illogical drivel.  For instance, if you used a "neg," I would probably think you're an asshole and walk away.  It's much more interesting to have a connection with a person that has an actual personality rather than a set of tactics they deploy at will.  Eventually, she's going to learn you have nothing else to offer and ditch your ass anyway.  So... yeah, just be yourself.  Please?

Drunksgiving

Every year N and I have a wonderful, drunk, Thanksgiving. No matter who we celebrate with, whose house we are at, we always seem to get super noshed on wine.

And this year, we're blogging about it!!!

Funny shit that N says:
I was messaging with this guy on ____. After telling him about listening to my cousin's college radio show, he messaged me back saying how nice it was that I was supporting my brother while he was in school...then he spelled my name wrong.
Brother?! As far as I know, I don't have a brother. Who could this guy be talking about? And why did he spell my name like that? THERE WAS AN EXTRA "H!" I clearly ended my last message with my name....hmmmmm, something's not quite right.

Funny shit that C says:
so you know that friend that I have that I've been leading on since high school? C'mon, boys, you know you have someone on the hook -- admit it!  Well I invited him to come stay with me for a weekend...bad choice? Oh yeah, and not only am I not attracted to him in the slightest, but I was contemplating telling him that I slept with his best friend...?  Err... Probably not right, because that would be mean?

Funny shit that WE say:
So you know that guy that I'm not supposed to be seeing? The one that everyone hates for a good reason...you wanna know why I'm really with him? It's cause he's really good at stuff ;)
Just kidding, it's cause I HATE MYSELF.

five minutes later...
C: BUUURP
N: excuse me
C: bitch, why did you say excuse me? I'm the one who burped
N: i burped too!
C & N high five

Sooo N and I are watching The Holiday. When Cameron Diaz's character goes to Jude Law's house and finds out that he has two little girls, N proceeds to freak out and yell this: "I'M OUT! I'M OUT! That has happened to meeeee, I'm out!!!!!"
Meanwhile, I proceed to think about all the ways that I can make these little girls make me their Princess Queen, and still get to sleep with their dad- JUDE LAW.

"Boy, That Escalated Quickly. I Mean, That Really Got Out of Hand Fast"

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Maybe I look Jewish?

A few months ago I received a message. Let me be clear, I spent my entire childhood education at an Episcopal prep school, essentially attending at the very least 2 church services a week for 12 years. I am not particularly religious person and explicitly say so on my profile.

Hello, how are you? L'Shana Tova (Jewish New Year)...I was taking a look at your profile and I like what I see and read. I think I wrote to you in the past but don't know why we haven't talked. Hope this time around it will work :) 

Maybe I look Jewish with my blonde hair and blue eyes, but why oh why would you re-message a girl who never replied to you in the past? What is that going to accomplish? And clearly since I haven't looked at your message in months, it did not work sir. Hopefully you're doing something better with your time now, perhaps trying to grow a nasty stache for Movember.

Guys Will Only Get as Low as You Let Them: A Mandatory.com Response

Fear not, solitary dedicated reader who I swear checks our blog every morning for new posts!  Your Okay, Stupid prayers have been answered!  The God(esses?) smile down on you with glad tidings this day.  (Bee-tee-dubs, we do not update more than once or twice a week, so you're probably good if you back it off a skoatch.  It's chill.  I'm pretty sure I know who you are, anyway.)

Today my friend sent me an article "exploring" OKCupid's slimier male denizens.  I swear, if you had told me this morning I would be sitting down to write a quasi-defense of OKCupid, I would have laughed in your face.  Then, I read this article and realized I had much more to say on the subject than I thought.

Admittedly, I was full of the warm-fuzzies after seeing K's post on my Facebook wall.  It's nice to know someone's listening out there!  Then, having read the article, my happiness meter went directly into the toilet...  'Cause that's where shitty feelings go.

To read the full article, please go HERE.  For the rest of us, let me quickly summarize.  In an effort to experiment with just how far men are willing to go to get laid (I'm assuming that would be the general endgame for most of the guys who contacted him), the author created a fake profile, using a picture of a conventionally attractive, young, brunette girl.  He then filled "her" profile with some of the most idiotic, nonsensical statements, terrible grammatical and spelling errors, and racially insensitive jokes I have seen admitted to an online dating website.  He even threw in a light-hearted felony reference.  You know, for kicks.  Then he waited to see who would contact this "girl" and exactly how long it would take before they were turned off by her stupidity.

When I first started reading, the idea seemed like a relatively harmless and ultimately hilarious undertaking.  Things turned for the worse after I got a few paragraphs in.  As I was reading, the article began to depress me more and more.  It painted a very bleak picture of what was available out there for us singles.  The level of desperation involved for some of these guys was staggering.  I began to question my chances for success in dating -- not only on the site, but in actual, real-world encounters -- with these kind of people in existence.  Was this it?  Was this really the summation of everything I had to choose from??  Imagine how terrifying it would be for you to realize there isn't a single soul on this Earth interested in sharing a real relationship with you.  You are completely, utterly alone, surrounded by people simply wanting to get their rocks off.  Well, that's precisely what I saw before me now.  I was fishing in an empty sea.

After a few moments processing my thoughts, I went through the comments to gauge others' reactions.  One particular comment struck a chord.  I now realized why I was so unsettled and aggravated by this reading experience.  First of all, it's a terrible article.  It proves absolutely nothing but what we already know: 1) how shallow people will pursue someone based solely on their appearance, and 2) that really stupid people are going to do really stupid things.  How is any of this news?  You put some fake, naïve, attractive woman out there on the Internet and give them a moron's profile, of course guys are going to try to get some poon from her.  It's Barbie Syndrome: all looks and no brains.  For all appearances, she's an easy target.  Over half these guys wouldn't dare try that shit if they thought she would shoot them down or have some actual intellectual response to their advances. Now, I'm not saying that preying on the weak isn't morally reprehensible, but let's please be realistic.  There's always been sexual predators on the Internet.  This is an accepted fact.  It's why we take precautionary steps before actually meeting up with someone in real life.  Moreover, being a sexual predator is by no means restricted to only males.  Women share just as much of the blame.  If a woman, who for some reason is sans vibrator, gets on a dating website for sex and sees some attractive, less-than-genius-level guy, she too will probably try get in some horizontal shuffle time.  It's how the world works.  And after considering all of this, I'm no longer depressed about the situation or the article; I'm just pissed off.  I'm pissed off not just because it's a over-dramatized, journalistic-ally unsound "exposé" that does little more than sit back on its high horse and judge people desperately seeking some connection -- any connection (even a penis-vagina-hopefully-orgasm connection) -- from another person in the world, but also because it presumes these lowlifes are the only kind of people on dating sites at all.  "Here" it seems to say "this is all ya get!"

Experience has taught me otherwise.  I cannot be fooled, because I know better for a fact.  I had the good fortune of meeting at least one really fantastic person through online dating, and I know quite a few friends (Not the least of which being C, of course) that are intelligent, caring, and genuine people who also have experimented with this medium. Granted, I have had experience with some real jerks too, but who hasn't?  That holds true to the real world as much as the digital one.  But you have to be willing to experience good and bad to find anything truly worth your time.

Rob Fee's article is meaningless and dull for more than just his falsely informed reasoning.  To me, it's more interesting to explore why and how, all things being equal, guys will get in the way of themselves in pursuit of a woman.  Whether by messaging someone with the same opener five times, contacting another user with little chemistry or commonality to themselves, or even when they seem to have everything going for them, they manage to screw up dates to such a degree that one has to wonder if they made up their entire past relationship experience.  Understanding all of these things is just a more compelling concept and discussion than sitting around proving an apple is an apple, an orange is an orange, or an idiot is an idiot.

To be honest, I will actually sit here and claim that I have been contacted by very, very few truly moronic-beyond-hope individuals.  Misguided?  Yes, of course, like 90% of the time, but nowhere near the levels of stupidity exemplified by the men in the article.  Why is that?  I'm not an easy target.  I say who I am, what I'm about, you can get a general sense of my intellectual level, and perhaps most importantly what I'm looking for.  I mean, even the douche bags who go "hey, interested in something casual?" have grammatical structure down!  They may not be able to read worth a damn, but that's more due to a lack of those reading comprehension skills mentioned in my last post.  Furthermore, even guys requesting "something casual" are rare.  Generally speaking, you can, and do, find whom you're looking for on the site.

If you take anything from this post, at least take hope.  Hope that no, you are not alone.  Put that fear to rest right now.  You will find exactly what you want to find on OKCupid; whether it is a nice fling, a lasting friendship, or, hell, maybe even a stable relationship.  The individuals who can give this to you are out there.  Godspeed, my e-daters!

As for this blog, I intend to never, ever bait fellow users just for a talking point.  Like I said, it's more fascinating to me discussing and dissecting why, given every opportunity otherwise, these guys completely miss their shot.  My aim here is to educate; not ensnare, judge, and otherwise totally belittle the gentleman of OKC.  The one exception to the aforementioned rule being that you're an asshole who creeps on my page before asking me to bone you, in which case I will gladly tear your ass apart using the written word.

Phew!  I feel better... and possibly overly self-important, but what else is a blog for?  Sorry, K, while I appreciate the thought, I had to speak my mind on that one.

Carry on about your business, readers, and expect a less enraged post very, very soon.

Sleazebag of the Week

I sincerely hope today's post will not become a regular feature here on Okay, Stupid.  Although I do feel as if I should preemptively date the the title, just in case.  At this point in my online dating extravaganza, it takes sincere effort and total ineptitude on the part of the sender to get me so riled I can't help but retaliate.  To be perfectly honest, I scarcely respond at all these days, which I think says something about you special gentlemen that invoke my wrath.  Kudos!

For this week's V.I.S. (Very Important Sleazebag), I nearly reached the limit on how much stupidity and utter lack of reading comprehension I could stand.  I give each enraging message a solid 24-hour "cool down" window, which usually means I don't end up responding.  Why would I want to get in a trolling contest with some idiot anyway?  Call it catharsis, call it revenge, but it would be a true shame to let this gem pass you readers by.  This is why I present the Sleaziest Sleaze of the Seven Seas (Thanks, Hook),  our friend "Humpy."  Congratulations!  There were many contenders for the title this week, but... you went for the gold, buddy!

As for my credentials in judging such an elite contest, just ask any of my friends: in a room filled entirely with normal, generally nice males, I will somehow attract or engage the biggest douche bag on the scene.  What can I say?  It's a gift.  In the future, when we all have mutant superpowers, Douche-Dar© will be mine.  Guaranteed.  (Kinda wish it was having my bones fused with Adamantium, not gonna lie.  Man!)

Hello Catwoman.  I'm reaching out because I'm visiting LA next week to visit my brother and looking to meet some new friends.  I needed some time away and unplug from school and work.

Where's your favorite place to hang at?  Would you be interested in hanging?  Great photos, btw.

I would think anyone with half a brain could decode this message with relative ease.  If not, and you are confused, please refer to the end of this post for guidance (Hint: "hang" is slang for "sexy naked times").  Let's start with the obvious: No, I do not want to be friends with your penis.  Now, let's back up a bit and talk about what you can't see from my transcription.  "Humpy" here claims he is 24 years old.  I say "claims," as I have never seen a 24-year-old with a receding hairline so analogous to a distant shore viewed through a telescope in my life.  "Avast mateys!  Thar be hair near!"  Seriously, my father has more hair on his head than this guy, and he's nearing 60.  "Alright," you say, "what if he is prematurely balding?"  Good point!  Many younger men do have this problem, and I genuinely feel for their plight, but do these same young men also have skin resembling worn leather?  No, really, I think if there were a color swatch of this man's skin, it would line up precisely with "Burnt Sienna."

Warning: this color not suitable for human complexion

To avoid any incidents similar to my what occurred in my last post, I did not check his profile to see if he was visiting our fair city from the Jersey Shore.  This would be an unsurprising revelation.  Final conclusion?  This man is not 24 unless he has the same genetic mutation allowing him to age three times faster than the average human, like Robin Williams in the movie Jack (Two R.Williams references in one post?  Stop the insanity!).  However, it would be incredibly convenient if he were a hyper-aging man-child, as that would explain his total lack of reading comprehension.  I could truly spend an entire post bemoaning this aspect of OKCupid users, but I will spare you.  For now.  Let's use context clues, shall we, "Humpy?"  When asked "What are you looking for?"  I strategically selected only two of the options: "long-term dating" and "short-term dating."  Note "new friends," and "casual sex" were not checked.  Right away this precludes any exploration of your nether regions, as you are a fucking tourist.  Boning on your brother's couch is not in the cards, and I sincerely doubt you hope to jump into a committed, long-distance relationship.  Although, come to think of it, it would be hilarious to see this guy run when I ask what time of year he thought best for our wedding.

Though his Catwoman reference may initially strike some of you as odd, I have a confession.  I posted a picture of me in the Anne Hathaway inspired Catwoman costume I wore for this year's Halloween festivities.    In an effort to practice what I preach about posting false information on your profile, I thought I should share that particular image.  It's only fair that if you list your body type as "fit," you back that up.  And bodysuits definitely do not lie.  I posted it knowing that I could potentially attract the creepers, sketch-O's, and sexmongers rampant throughout the website. *Sigh*  "The best-laid plans of mice and men / Often go awry."  Plus, it has C in a kick-ass Ghostbuster jumpsuit.  Why would you NOT post that picture?  It's fucking awesome.  At least Humpy recognizes The Awesome.  He also recognizes boobs.  It happens.

On the whole, this entire email is not only sleazy to the max, it's an insult to my intelligence.  Why would any woman read this and be either A) stupid enough to believe he really wants to "hang out," or B) smart enough to know his implied meaning, yet be so devoid of self-respect and concern for personal safety (sexually and physically), she would consent?  It's one thing to have your little in-town hook up friend, but it is quite another to agree to meet up with some out-of-towner, where your knowledge of them is based only on what they are willing to tell you (which incidentally may or may not be true), for the sole purpose of bumping uglies.  Are there women who actually do this?  Would this kind of email truly work for anyone, ever?  I'm assuming it must, which makes me completely despondent.  "Sad" isn't strong enough a word to convey how disheartened I am by that thought.  Girls, even in your driest of dry spells, don't succumb to sleaze-magnets like this guy.  More importantly, have some Goddamn self-respect.  Give a damn for your well being and safety.  I would rather be utterly alone than have someone use me as a disposable sex toy during their vacation.  Gross.

"Humpy," while I am entirely uninterested, I do have a few friends you should meet.  Actually, I'm positive you are already acquainted.  They're your Ms. Right and your Mr. Left -- if you swing that way.  There's even Bi-curious Thumb!  Fire away, stud.  Neither will they complain about your unwanted sexual advances, nor will they ever turn you down.  In fact, you can all get together at once: go sit and spin, you disrespectful motherfucker.

How 'bout it guys?  Three boo's for "Humpy," our Okay, Stupid Sleazebag of the Week!

In the words of my friend, K,  go "burn in a hole for all eternity."  Regarding your cavalier sex life, I would get tested for STDs before you get to burnin'.  Well, maybe not.  At least if you have crabs, they can keep you company down there!

Pun fully intended.

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Interested in learning which of your favorite celebs have suffered through the woes of online dating?  There's a feature on Yahoo! today discussing just that.

Celebs Who Tried Online Dating!

Props to Deborah Ann Woll -- Jessica Hamby on True Blood -- fellow alum and C's classmate!

I Love the Smell of (Slightly Terrifying) Desperation in the Morning

Welcome to the Halloween edition of Okay, Stupid.   Er, we're a bit late.  Sorry. "Spooky," "eerie," and all things otherwise fear-inducing being the general theme of your hostess's favorite holiday, I will share with you my newest troubling tale.  Lately, dealing with some of these guys has me feeling like the Cryptkeeper (read: a snarky, pun-wielding corpse, whose life has been sucked from them by the undesirable, straight male population of our namesake's site).

Attractive image of N, sans make up

If there's one thing I have learned from dating, it's that some guys just can't take a hint.  What's a rational, reasonably polite, and considerate skeleton individual to do, short of destroying a soul or five?  No, please tell me, as I'm starting to think soul destruction is precisely what it takes to get the point across.  My patience runs thin... and my fear runs high.

It seems I have attracted the attention of a very persistent Multiple Message Offender.  By now I'm starting to fear my ardent admirer seeks to meet up for the sole purpose of adding the finishing touches to the skinsuit he spent the last 6 years lovingly crafting.  Although, who could blame him?  My skin is soft as a baby's ass from the constant exfoliation and layers upon layers of moisturizer.  Way to go for quality, dude.  But, I digress.  Whether my supple limbs and impeccable grooming habits are apparent from the 10 allotted user photos I have added, or because he has taken up residence in the bushes outside my apartment complex, I prefer not to think about.  On a totally unrelated note, did I mention I carry mace?

*****

Hello, how are you? L'Shana Tova...I was taking a look at your profile and I like what I see and read. You're really cute which is a plus too lol :). I think I wrote to you in the past but don't know why we haven't talked. Hope this time around it will work :)

D

Nothing is really wrong with this message.  I honestly glanced at the "wrote to you in the past" line and went "huh, maybe he did."  I have no idea if that's true.  I scoped out his profile to be sure I hadn't passed up a good guy once I finished reading.  A quick glance told me why I never responded if he had messaged me previously.  We had nothing in common fother than the fact we both happen to be Jewish.  Don't equate that coincidence with fate, sir.  Additionally, our match rating was low and I was ultimately not attracted to him.  I enjoy being fit, not eating double cheeseburgers on the reg, and I'm not sorry for wanting to be with someone who enjoys being physically active at least as much as I do.

Little did I know D was online while I was perusing his profile.  I received the following message whilst browsing...

Sorry to be a pest and slightly persistent but did you like my profile/message? Lol all in all I really like your profile and we have lots in common.

D

PS: L'Shana Tova!

I'm pretty sure my lack of response should inform you of my interest level, D.  Also, what the fuck, that's just creepy.  Let it go.  Moreover, "lots" is a gross overstatement of the facts.  What are these multitudes of things we have in common?  Please clarify.  If I missed something from reading your profile, speak up by all means.  All I got was that you use quite a few emoticons and the phrase "lol" every other sentence.  How do I know you didn't just browse my pictures, go "ooh, shiny!" and decide to message me?  Being vague can only hinder your you chances, which were "slim to none" to begin with.  Finally, I get it: you're Jewish and so am I, but if you tell me "Happy New Year" one more time I will find you and beat you over the head with a pair of sparkly party glasses that read "5773."  Actually, scratch that, I'll have a friend do it.  The less chance I have of running into you ever in my life, the better, Stage Five Clinger.

Anyone out there recall the first five minutes of Scream?  Drew Barrymore's character is having what she thinks is an innocent conversation with a wrong number...

Casey: [smiling] Why do you want to know my name?
Phone Voice : Because I want to know who I'm looking at.

Okaaay, that's enough messages from you, D.  While I would never be so stupid as to sit there and chit chat with some random caller like poor Casey,  the urgency of D's message did freak me out quite a bit.  With visions of the Scream victims dancing in my head, I switched my IM on the site to "offline."  Thanks, D (whom we shall refer to henceforth as "Ghostface"), but we shall not be learning more about one another anytime soon.  Did I mention I carry a taser in addition to that can of mace?  A little something I picked up, really.  Still not relevant.  Nope, not even a little.  It was on sale!  Matched my bag and everything!  Such an impulsive purchase was totally not related to the rising levels of adrenaline coursing through my veins and the heightened sense of panic I'm currently experiencing.

Just like any good horror movie, Ghostface lulled me into a false sense of security.  Several weeks passed and I didn't give homeboy a second thought.  D was simply one more bizarre exchange to add to my already expansive pile of unenlightened internet daters.  Then, I was informed one afternoon that I had received a new message from "sept9_1983."  Sensing a spambot, I checked my inbox... and became more than a little disconcerted.

Hello again...how are you? I wanted to try once more because I really like your profile and thing[sic] we'd get along well :). You're really cute btw. Hope we can chat this time.

D

From an analytical standpoint, repetition is completely insincere and unflattering.  If you can think of nothing to say besides what you have already said, spare yourself the mental strain and find someone just as dull.  D, sweetie, we would not make it past the first date.

Seriously guys, learn the art of compliment giving.  Speak from your heart, but not in vague generalities.  Please banish words like "pretty," "nice," and "cute" from your vocabulary.  These terms are so overused in our daily terminology that they are completely unremarkable and unimpressive when used to describe a woman, especially to her face; and especially more than once.  To us, that's  the equivalent of hitting the "Snooze" button mid-conversation.  If someone were to say to me "Wow, you're really pretty," that's just swell.  Then it's said three or four more times and now I'm honestly bored and concerned that you have no more intellectual conversation to put forth.  It's the fella who says -- once -- "You have the most infectious smile I think I've ever encountered" that makes me sit up and take notice.  More than being unoriginal, the repetition tells me that you're honestly not interested in anything more than what you see.  You gave your whole game away, Ghostface.  Please take your sinister smileys and vague allusions to meeting in person and GET THE FUCK OUT.  Geh!  Gives me the willies.

Alright, so maybe my tale of mystery and terror (E.A. Poe shout out what WHAT?) is not entirely exceptional, I'll grant you readers that.  Frankly, I'm just sharing this in case I go missing at some point in the near future, so y'all know what probably happened.  Make sure you find me before my calves become the lapels on D's skin suit, please?  And if I get sprayed with that hose one more time...

No, that's not a euphemism.

"OkStupid Customer Service, How May I Assist You?"

C & I have been sharing our (mis)adventures for several weeks now and the once light drizzle of feedback seems to be headed in the direction of "fucking Maelstrom."  Alright, I exaggerated a teeny bit there.  But things 'round these parts are at a steady downpour of communication, and we couldn't thank you all enough for that.  Keep reading and sharing with others if you like what you see, or even if you don't.  After all, you can't rightly call yourself a blog until you're had your first official flame, can you?

In an unexpected twist of events, I also personally find myself a newly crowned dating guru.  I don't know if it's the fact that I'm overly opinionated, or blunt to the point of indecency, but I appreciate the questions.  I plan to answer them honestly, frequently, and with the least amount of bitterness I can muster.  However, girlfriends (and boyfriends), I'm not gonna sugar-coat my advice for you.  We can all do that for ourselves, it's called "denial."  Either you will listen to what I say, consider it, and make some decision, or you will do whatever the hell you wanted to do anyway.  Ultimately, the decision's all on you; I would only be doing you a disservice if I didn't give you an opinion with what I consider to be a modicum of sense.

Perhaps this understanding must be established before I relate to you the following tale.

A friend, whom we will call "Randy," approached me with the following quandary on That Other Site for Scoping Out the Singles Meat Market (no, not MySpace)...

Randy
Being a fan of your blog i have to ask a question

N
yup?

Randy
let me ask, is it ok(cupid, ha ha!) to casually insult a girl in the first message?

N
no
why would that be ok?

Randy
well, it would be like a joke...kind of...now that i'm typing it, I fell foolish.
(...)well, it's not a flat out insult. Lemme explain. I'd say something along the lines of 'I thought we'd be a good match because we both have big heads.' This is bad..nevermind.

N
the one exception, is if it's something they have mentioned themselves, and you casually say something SMALL regarding the particular item
Example: If I say "oh god I have the biggest hair ever! AGH what a mess!" in my profile, you can say "So how to you maintain that lion's mane of yours?"
...Also I made that up. No one has ever said that to me

Randy
In my defense!...this girl's head...tis pretty large.

N
This is why we have a blog

Dating PSA of the Day: Don't insult your gal in the first message. As I told Randy during our conversation, we're not on a grade school playground.  Performing the verbal equivalent of pushing a girl down into the dirt and pulling her pigtails will only increase the odds of you not getting a response.  Why would any woman worth your time (men, I'm speaking to you) put up with being insulted upon first contact?  If I read that, I would personally think, "Wow, what a dick" and never reply.

This is why I constantly stress not trying to be too funny -- just be yourself!  And, as I mentioned, keep it small.  An offhand remark that does not directly reference a characteristic in a negative light typically comes off fine.  However, I suggest saving that trick is for the advanced learners out there.

My intention of adding reader comments to the blog is not to deter anyone from asking questions.  In fact, the opposite is true.  I welcome response and inquiry with open arms!  And please understand I recognize the difference between being cruel or brusque and actual tact.  No friends were harmed in the creation of this PSA.  I simply think you should know what you're in for.

This Guy is Real....FML

My self-summary

whats up i'm rob, my friends call me rocky. not gonna lie i have a hard time limiting myself to one girl sometimes..lol. but i like to treat a girl if she's worth it..i can be the knight in shining armor when the mood strikes

 

I’m really good at

sex..lol

 

ummm what is funny about being good a sex? IF its true that's an accompishment, NOT a joke.

 

The first things people usually notice about me

1. my body
2. my attitude - some people call it cocky, i call it swag

 

I didn't know people actually thought "swag" was real...uh oh

 

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

scarface, transformers, pirates, entourage

 

what kind of pirates are you referring to dude? The movie? Just general pirates?

No, seriously. This is the most intersting (and least douchey) part of your profile...WHAT KIND OF PIRATES!?!?!

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about

the meaning of life...real talk

 

can anyone explain to me wtf "real talk" is? as opposed to baby talk?

 

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

i'm pretty anal about hygiene...i keep it very trim "down there" lol

 

again, what's so funny about shaving your balls?

You should message me if

you think you got what it takes...lol. not to be mean but if you're not bangin don't even bother, i get hit on enough as it is

 

ew, Rocky, just ew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

LA's New Dating Game

About a month ago I went on a Los Angeles first - a Grouper. Several months ago my good friend N found this thing that was happening in NYC and San Francisco and invited me to join. I did, and promptly erased it from my memory...or maybe that was the wine?

Anyway, last month my good friend E called me up and said, "Hey! I got invited to do this Grouper thing. Are you in?" "Oh yeah I totally signed up for that thing ad invited a BUNCH of people to do it!"  Let me explain, Grouper is a dating service that sets groups of 3 girls and 3 guys up on blind dates and it just started in LA. Which pretty much means you get to meet 3 new randos with your wingmen (or wing-bitches as it were). So we went on this Grouper to a wine bar in my West Hollywood hood and it was pretty awesome. So good in fact that we went on another last night!

WHAT A MISTAKE

1. This bar was on the outskirts of the fashion warehouse disctrict downtown...aka the end of the world. I'm convinced that we had to go through a black hole or the time-space continum to find this place. There was one block of civilization surrounded by hoodlums and hobos with knives - and the American Apparel Factory...clearly we were going to die.

2. Two of the guys were on time and cute - a doctor and a guy who works in chocolate finance? yes please. Too bad their friend was a total douchebag. Also, I'm pretty sure he kept going to the bathroom to snort coke (he's a "club promoter" after all). For every good/funny/sweet thing these guys said, their idiot friend would say something about nipples or having one of the girls make out with a hobo. No thanks dude, no thanks.


shit, I'm discovering that I have a lot less to say about this than I did last night after 2 rounds. Whatever. So the first 3 on 3 was pretty cool. The second was not nearly as good...I thought I was done with the coke-head weirdos when I graduated...clearly not.

N, you wanna get in on the next one?

An Essay on Essays

No one wants to start reading an online dating message only to realize it is, in actuality, a lengthy term paper full of grammatical errors, disastrous attempts at humor, insipid responses to profile topics, and thinly (or not-so-thinly) veiled sexual innuendos.  While I generally agree with my co-blogger regarding the discouragement of The Essay Message, I am here to do something I don't normally do: discuss my very personal experience with this subject in a non-comedic manner.

There are exceptions to every rule, and the "no essays" clause is among them.  One of the first messages I ever received online was the exact definition of the dreaded profile response essay.  It was multiple paragraphs, had several humor-intended remarks, and touched on more than a few of the topics mentioned in my online profile.  My automatic response upon seeing so many words in one location was "oh fuck that."

I can't say what made me pause.  I can't say what made me read the message in its entirety, then check the writer's profile.  All I know is that I did.

The message itself was intelligently written; balancing sincerity and wit while giving me a clear portrait of this stranger.  He obviously did not expect or demand response, but was putting in his two cents, hoping I would take the time to read.  And even the profile thumbnail attached with the message displayed nothing overly remarkable, just your average run-of-the-mill picture of a fairly attractive guy with a smile on his face.  However, the content of that essay message struck me, and led me to check out the modestly developed profile for more.

What convinced this individual might be worth contacting back?  Clearly they took the time to read what I had said, found it at least mildly humorous -- that's a big sell for me, and piqued my interest by pulling several key points from my profile for response.  Less is more, guys.  Pick one or two details.  Don't just respond in kind to everything on the lady's online profile.  Following up a personal detail with a similar point from your own life lets them get to know you before ever looking you up.  To be interesting you must first show you're interested.  Ask a pertinent question of two.  After all, this is meant to be a conversation.  Finally, don't try to bowl her over with laughter the entire way through: you are not as funny as you hope, and will probably sound like a tool (ask "Lenny").  A little dab'll do ya.

Generally speaking, simpler is better.  A few lines of clever and engaging text suit fine.  Remember my story as the exception to the rule "C" discussed.  If you even for one second presume you are the exception rather than the rule: you are wrong.  If you intend to say more than a few sentences, you have to realistically consider that your intended recipient may overlook your message completely.  It happens.  At the very least, consider this post a jumping off point when you find someone you feel requires a little more of your attention than usual.  Never fear, if things don't work out, it probably wasn't meant to happen anyway.  Then again, she may surprise you.  There is always the chance she will enthusiastically reply.

I understand if you don't believe a single word of this analysis and explanation.  To that end, allow me to finish my story.  As you know, I did reply to my mysterious essayist.  In truth, I eventually replied several more times.

And we dated for four months.

Please Stop Sending Me Essays

There are a lot of things that bother me about dude's on the internet. It bother's me when they message you and simply say "Hey." Hey what? You might as well have just grunted or whistled at me like the creepos I pass on street. But one thing that bother me more that nothing to say is guys who think that by writing irritatingly-long messages that they can confuse me into finding them interesting. "Oh look how much he has to say! He must have a great personality and be super fascinating!" Lies. Commenting on virtually everything I've written in my profile is not fascinating - I already know how awesome and witty my profile is, I don't need to relive every sentence of it.

Bite me, Lenny.


Hi,

My name is Lenny and the good times should never stop here in beautiful California. Even the weather shouldn't stop you. Where there is a will, there is a way to be outside!

I am used to an outdoor voice. My dad's side of the family speak like they have a loudspeaker. My Aunt definitely takes the crown among them though. To top it all off, she is a "Giver" too (I'll let you figure that one out). 
 
 

Now the next portion of his message references the section where I described a dinner party that I often dream of featuring Napoleon and Otto Von Bismarck. And "Lenny" obviously didn't pay attention in his European history class, else he would understand why his version of my dinner does not make any sense:



Last but not least, you need to invite two more people to your dinner party. Genghis Khan because he was literally crazy apeshit crazy maniacal crazy violent. Did I mention he was crazy violent. Also Flanders from the Simpsons, because someone needs to unite Napoleon, Bismark, and Genghis in tearing it up.

 
Oh and he's still not done


I lied, last but not least...College football is WAY better than pro ball. I confess I don't watch much football, but college is way more fun to watch because there are way more screw ups and are less predictable.

Shoot me an email. You sound like a lot of fun to hang out with.

Lenny



WHEN WILL THIS TORTURE END?


That Geico commercial is good, but the one with the piggy squealing with joy in the back of the car is even better. Weeeeeee Weeeeeee! I also can't ignore that one bank commercial where the banker gives one girl a toy pony and the other girl gets a real pony. LMAO.


Can someone just waterboard me already?!


Chicken is a staple of mine. I just hope you like it extra well done...because I am lousy at cooking...:( but no one is perfect right?



No, no one is perfect Lenny, but you are pretty damn far from it.

One Line Only

The Okay, Stupid Gods didst smile down upon me this most glorious day of our Ermehgeeerd,  October 2nd, 2012.  And it was good.

 It began with a simple and understated:

"Thunda down unda"

Stop.  Clarification necessary: What is, uh, this sentence referring to, my good man?  Do I give you the 'thunda down unda [sic]?' Or might you be suggesting I have the 'thunda down unda...?'  Do you need to seek professional treatment from a practicing physician for said 'thunda?'  In this case, might I suggest your local Planned Parenthood?  They are knowledgeable, discreet, and will shower you with oodles of contraception methods to prevent you from contracting 'Thunda' again in the future.  Ok, ok, how about this: three words. Five syllables. First syllable sounds like....

Frankly, I'm just confused.

My favorite one-liner that day goes to the gentleman who said this:

 "Soo.. Where should we go on our road trip?  I'm thinking Bora Bora :)"

Refresh my memory, please, but when did I agree to road trip with you?  Listen, pal, I hardly ever agree to road trip with close friends, let alone complete strangers.  Slow your roll, son.  More importantly, who failed you in geography?  (This travesty brought to you by the public education system of 'Merica.)  Most painful.

Thanks, WaitingforSuperman, but if I need to get to Bora Bora anytime soon, it will be by plane; not submersible James Bond car.  However, if you did perchance own said submersible James Bond car, I might take this journey under more careful consideration.  Only, you would have to let me drive.

- N

I'm assuming it's German

I received this today:


hallo wie geht es dir. möchtest du ein bisschen Kartoffelsalat? ;)


There aren't a lot of words. But the few that I do have are mostly this: I don't speak German. I don't read German. I'm not German. What. Is. Happening.

Also, according to the sketchy translation service I just used on the internets this guy is asking me if I want a little potato salad. Clearly we are not meant to be together, otherwise he would know that I don't eat potatoes...or salad.

I'll Teach You A Lesson You Won't Soon Forget

Constructing your online dating profile is an art form unto itself.  Constant refining and perfecting is not only necessary, but essential if you want to stay in the game.  However, wanting to fully represent yourself and amplifying that desire by the power of The Internet™ lulls people into sharing details about themselves that should probably only be brought up after the fourth or fifth date, and not with the entire world.  (Do I need to know you have a thing for girls with long toes and enjoy someone whipping you while being referred to as "Schnookums?"  No.  Not really. From a personal standpoint, probably never.)

As if trying to present yourself as a unique individual were not already a daunting enough task, you have to consider outside viewpoints.  From the casual profile browser's view, there are a few things that tip us off reeeeeal fast that you're just a bit too... "you."  Remember: sharing is caring, but silence is golden.  Don't post anything that's going to have the refs (not the dumbass temp ones brought in from high school or college games, mind you, the professionals) throwing the yellow flag on your play.

Thus, here is the subject of today's post:  What not to include vs. What to highlight in your online dating profile.  This topic may have been discussed multiple times in a multitude of articles, but I'm here to give you the real inside scoop, from a straight lady's perspective.  To that end, I've brought visual aids and examples.  Get ready, because school is in session, and there may be a pop quiz.

 

LESSON 1: Don't Scare the Hell Out of People

You would think this goes without saying.  Alas, not everyone is up on this little tidbit. Sometimes you fellas share or post details that are mildly terrifying. Not in a "sexy-dangerous, Rebel Without A Cause way," but in that "alarm bells are ringing so loudly in my head I cannot hear anything else" kind of way.

Exhibit A...

In the words of my Sassy Gay Friend (shout out to you, Brian Gallivan), "What, what, WHAT are you doing?!"

Showing off your best Halloween costume is totally fine.  I get that.  I use those from years past frequently in my profile pictures, and I feel like it shows people a little more about your personality and interests.  Also, I really take some of my best photos when I'm in costume.  I don't know why, it just happens.  Regardless, I append this validation with a tiny, tiny footnote, which is: don't pick some scary-ass, death crazed, or remotely grotesque picture of yourself as the first thing people see!

When I see this bachelor's photo my honest-to-God immediate reaction is to nearly burst into tears from fear.  I may have exclaimed, "AH!" very loudly when I first saw it.  Maybe that has to do with the fact that you're dressed as one of the most merciless, unpredictable, and unstable human beings ever created for fiction, and maybe it has to do with the fact I'm mildly terrified of people in costume (Mickey Mouse, I love you, but please stay at least 10 feet from me or I may start to violently tremble).  A little of both, I think.  Regardless, no lady is going to see this and say, "Ooh, the Joker, bet he's a sane person that I can take home to mom."  To go even further, why would you choose this particular photo in light of recent events?  Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.  I will go so far as to suggest that *no* picture is better than one like this.  So don't start off on the wrong foot.  The profile picture is the gateway to gaining traffic to your profile.  Avoiding negative connotations will only increase the chances that someone will be interested enough to contact you back.

 

LESSON 2: Don't Use Other Chicks in Your Picture

A short lesson, but an important one -- especially for your main profile picture.  I'm sorry, and correct me if I'm the only soul on the planet who does this, but when I see a a picture of a guy with a female that obviously isn't his mother in his main profile shot, I just assume it's his ex-girlfriend.  Having made this assumption, there's a few nearly unconscious comparisons that routinely follow:

• "How long ago was this?"
• "Is her face blurred?" (If so, there's a better chance that he is trying to simply use the picture rather than show off the "ex")
• "Is he really over this person?"
• "Is he still connected to them in any way?" and unfortunately
• "Is she prettier than me?"

You may unintentionally be cutting yourself short of eligible ladies and not even know it.  They may think there is still some emotional connection and are unwilling to step in a giant puddle of drama, or they could assume there's no conceivable way they could measure up to this person in your mind, so why bother with a message?  Who knows, there could have been a great girl out there who took one look at your photo and decided not to contact you.  It's a fact that our own personal insecurities work against us.  In order to avoid rejection, us girls will sidestep that profile in search of more promising, and possibly less complicated, options.  So, again, I reiterate: avoid negative (or misleading) connotations with your profile picture.

 

LESSON 3: You're Kidding, Right?

A vague lesson title, to be sure.  Only do the following if you want to be taken as a complete joke.  And for this person's sake, I hope it is a joke.

WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  While this gentleman followed Lessons 1 and 2, he fails on almost every other count.  I will be honest, I did choose to browse his profile based solely on the combination of a great profile picture and a high match percentage.  You'll have to take my word on the former.

I stopped looking mere seconds into my perusal when I noticed his screen name and self-summary.  "Tigger?" You're like 28, guy.  While Winnie the Pooh might have been your favorite childhood story or cartoon, it's best to disclose that information in the right setting.  Say, when you've been on several dates with a girl.  I would personally find that very endearing at that time.  On the other hand, when you reference your love of the "t-i-double-guh-er" in your screen name, it leads me to believe you really haven't emotionally progressed past childhood.  Would you represent yourself this way on a resume for potential employers?  If not, you probably made the wrong decision in usernames.

Conversely, it does catch my eye when fellas have witty or humorous names.  Most girls will tell you they like a sense of humor.  Keep that up!

The Street Fighter-style Killer Combo comes in with this particular person on their self-summary.  Uhm, what?  You're an ASCII bunny... with a heart?  Yes, that illuminates so much about you, please tell me more!  Perhaps how your interests include an ASCII seal balancing a ball on its nose.

No.  Just no.  While the sensitive man is appreciated, a straight girl is not going to look at that sad ASCII bunny and say "Wow, he's so sweet and caring!"  She's going to look at it and go, "Where's your information?  I don't know shit about you."  Honestly, you don't need to try overly hard to be witty or clever.  We could have lots of things in common to talk about, but I wouldn't know that, because you decided to use an ASCII character where vital information could have been shared.  You're not telling me why it should be worth my time to contact you.

No need to "FINISH HIM!" as this gentleman has clearly finished himself.

 

LESSON 4:  On Animals

Puppies will get you everywhere.  Cats: sometimes.  Goldfish: ok, you're pushin' it.  If there is any sense that a guy has a thing for cute, cuddly, and otherwise friendly animal species, I will give his profile at least a mild glance.  Bonus points if you actually own a dog, cat, goldfish, hedgehog, etc.  Put that shit in a profile picture because it's solid gold, motherfucker.  I will look at that profile before every other one on the page because there's an animal involved.  Although, this idea doesn't work the same with kids.  That would be profile kryptonite (for those of us not ready to step into the Mom role).

 

LESSON 5:  You Are Not Slick, Slick

Typical.  The portrait's pose, the indefinite-but-suggestive message, the "new in town" line...  We have your number, fellas.  These cliches are all a dead give away for your real intentions.  While I'm flattered you find me attractive, good sir, you would see that casual hook-ups are not what I'm looking for had you chosen to look at my profile for more than five seconds.

If you are a male seeking to put your "P" in a "V-Gee" without emotional entanglement, I humbly suggest you look for women who list that in their interests.  Otherwise you are bound to find yourself answered with half-hearted messages or complete silence.  Women, don't fall for this bullshit.  I believe the literal translation of "hanging out" is "sexy naked times."  I know;  I've used it!

As my like-minded soul sister Jenna Marbles said,

"When you think you're such a hotshot for gettin' this girl to come home with you, and that you really wooed her, what really happened was that[...] she talked to three or 4 of her other girlfriends and was like 'Should I hook up with this guy?  I dunno!' And they're all like 'Yeah you should do it! You should do it!  You should do it!' 'You broke up with Jeremy and he was, like, such a jerk, you deserve to hook up with someone and not care about it.'  It wasn't you, it was already decided amongst the girls."

Sorry, horny, potential one night stands.  Not only do we know what you're up to, and have discussed it at length amongst our friends, but we also get to make the call on whether or not we intend to follow through.

Basically, if you are looking for a serious relationship, or at least to pursue something beyond one night, I suggest (and this for both men and women) you avoid any combination of the above in both your messages and your profile.

Here dost the lesson end, good pupils.  Class dismissed!

- N

This Guy Was the Michael Phelps of the Bad Date Olympics

[DISCLAIMER] I know this is absurdly long, but this is seriously the Titanic of dates. Please bear with me.

Oh, C...  I will see your "bad" first date, and raise you a "truly awful and masochistic experience of fundamentally soul-crushing proportions" (mine as much as his).  With all due respect to your post's title, as my life coach Tina Fey writes in Bossypants, "'Oh, it's like that motherfucker?'"

Gather 'round, kiddies, and let Auntie N regale you with tales of self-inflicted torment.  Dating: a truly magical experience.

This particular bachelor, who we'll call "HoneyBadger1243."  Why?  'Cause HoneyBadger don't give a shit... about how he is actually supposed to treat someone he intends to see more than once.  Or at least me.  I'm not really the "hit it and quit it" type.

I met HoneyBadger1243 through everyone's favorite free online dating site.  There was the usual exchange of e-mails meant to assess whether or not the other would be worthwhile meeting in reality.  Once it was established neither of us experienced psychotic episodes on a daily basis, HB asked for my number and said he would contact me after the weekend.  I was so game.

That Monday, I awaited his call all day.  Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, squat, etc.  Then, at 10:30 that night, when I'm running down my nightly list of "To Read" blogs and websites, he texts me.  To be very clear on this point: never, ever, EVER text to initially set up your rendezvous.  It's just tacky and frankly makes you look like a coward.  So we're on shaky ground already, when he asks "Oh... did you want me to pick you up?"  Call me old-fashioned, but the sincere offer to do so is appreciated and courteous.  Be a gentleman, not a douchebag, guys.  I brush it off.  Not everyone was raised with the same etiquette as myself, and it would be a long way to go back across town when he lived between me and our chosen date spot to begin with.  The hiccup is settled by deciding to have me meet at his house, and he will drive from that point forward.

Everything is established for Saturday night.  Although, I begin having more doubts about my would-be suitor as the week progresses.  Communicating through the ambiguity of text would have been difficult had he had something witty, sarcastic, or even mildly flirtatious, to say.  Exchanging humorous banter with the possibility of miscommunication was not a problem.  With complete sincerity he directed me to a comedienne he claimed was "hilarious!" and "so good I just recorded her whole show on Comedy Central."  Wanting to discover if said act was worthwhile, I checked her out.  If you think wildly uncomfortable, crude, and unsettling humor is funny, this gal is for you, friends.  Don't get me wrong, I love a good round of pussy/penis/fart/poop jokes as much as anyone, but... This was just sad.  Painful and sad.  I felt bad for this woman, rather than being amused.  Confidence in this guy's chemistry with me?  Mmm, less than inspired at this point.

Some of you may ask "Why are you even still going out with this guy if you feel this way?"  Good question, One Reader.  Well, I did something you should never do: force yourself out there because you feel obligated in some manner.  For various reasons, I was feeling like "getting back on the horse" meant "go out with people you may feel complete disinterest in."  In my effort to be open-minded, I started smoking the unabated-optimism-and-ignoring-my-better-judgement crack pipe.  It was some good shit.  And I strongly suggest you never, ever take a hit.  Follow that instinct of yours!  If it says "run like hell" you RUN. LIKE. HELL.  Don't force yourself to go out there just because you feel you "must" due to some warped sense of responsibility.  Yet, there I was wondering how much worse could this guy get?  Surely he was more engaging in person.

I had my answer soon enough.  Saturday came and I met up with some friends before HoneyBadger and I were slated head to a theater in the park date.   HoneyBadger finally, FINALLY, calls me during the BBQ!  Only took 'til the night of the date for that one.

"Do you have a sleeping bag?"
Concern.  Confusion. Slight panic. "...N-no...?"
"You know, for sitting on the ground in the park.  No?  Well, never mind, I'm right by my aunt's and she's got one anyway.  But you should bring some pillows."  Oh good, he didn't want to sleep at my house or something.  Seriously, I wasn't putting anything past this guy.
"Uhm, ok.  I can do that, I guess."
"Ok, thanks, see you soon!"
"Yeah, bye?"

Yes, he was actually just being THAT lazy.  He didn't want to stop on his way home to pick up the materials for the date he asked me on.  Not much later, I left the BBQ to make myself presentable for what I had a sneaking suspicion would be a trainwreck of an evening.  The ol' "get back in the game" mentality was prevailing.

But -- oh wait!  What's this?  We're back to texting because HoneyBadger1243 can't communicate like an actual adult?  Color me surprised!

"You wouldn't, like, need to eat something would you?" (Yes.  My date just asked me if I needed to have dinner during the evening Theater in the Park performance he chose.)
"Well, seeing as and it's just after lunchtime now, and I probably won't have time to eat after going home to clean up, we can share a little something?"
"Maybe you can come by earlier and we can swing by Trader Joe's together?"
"I can try, but I'm not sure I can push our date too much earlier."

After wrestling with my closet and working out something suitable, doing my hair, make up, and  all the other shit that ladies take time and effort for, I realize I'm not going to make it in time for Trader Joe's.  I let HoneyBadger1243 know.

"If you wanted to go without me, I'm sure that would be fine.  I'm so sorry for running late!"
"Thanks for letting me know!  I'll see what I can do."
A pause from him.  Then, "I can get some really good cheese pizza from the place at the end of my block.  Oh, and can you bring a bottle of wine?"
Cheese pizza in the park?  Not the best date food.  I could foresee a melty pile of cheese goo being unintentionally slopped into my lap.  As nice as the offer was,  it just presented far more problems than it solved.
"Uhm, I think I'm good with just the water I'm bringing and some wine."
"Oh, sure.  Cool."

The drive went by fast, even though I was regretting my decision to go through with this date the entire way over.  The phrase "benefit of the doubt" was my new mantra.

I parked and called HoneyBadger from in front of his complex.  To him, the phrase "be right down" is interchangeable with "let me leave you waiting outside for five to 10 minutes."  When he finally did come down, I was able to give him a thorough once over.  This gentleman decided dressing to impress would be too cliche, and instead opted for a pair of ratty khaki cargo shorts and a faded blue polo.  I'm so glad I put in the effort for you, sir.

"Wow, you look nice!"  Thanks.  I know.  Because I tried.

We took off for his office, which is right near the park.  Unfortunately, he didn't check to see if there were any events using his lot, which, of course, was the case.  The parking attendant, a stern looking Latino gentleman at least two times this kid's age, met us and laid down the law.  HB could not park at this complex unless he paid $10 and was out by midnight.  And we were now officially late for our show.

This was the moment he lost me.  Right here at the entrance of the parking garage.  HB was completely indignant and pissy to the point he started spouting off at the attendant about how he's an employee, they can't treat him this way, this is outrageous, "you must let me in, here's my badge!"  Other attendants started coming over to calm him down.  I am not only pissed off for his treatment of the attendant, but personally mortified that I am now forever associated with him in this guy's mind.

I wholeheartedly subscribe to the adage that "a person who is nice to you, but is not nice to the waiter is not a nice person."  We were done.  I had mentally checked out at this point.  Now how to extricate myself without causing an even bigger scene?  (By the by, just make that fucking scene, people!  It's not nearly as bad as staying on the Date from Hell!)  Guess who stayed?  Yep.  Granted, this decision was partially propelled by the masochistic urge to see exactly how much WORSE things could get, but I still desperately needed to devise an escape plan.  FAST.

After switching parking complexes and persuading another attendant to let us park for the requisite $10, we bolted for the park.  Not only were we incredibly late, but also every available space seemed to have been taken.  HB and I ended up all the way in the back, unable to see.  I immediately lunged for my wine.

Then HB decided that this was the perfect time to deploy his First Date Conversation Arsenal.  These topics included (but were not limited to) depressing family history, traumatic loss of close friendships over the last year, and... the dreaded exes.  Yes, he brought up the ex conversation on the first date.  More wine was mandatory.

Around 10:00 PM, having exhausted all uncomfortable topics of conversation, HB decides to ask me if we should leave, not being able to see the performance as it was.  It was all I could do not to scream "YES!!" in his face.

Afterward, back at my car -- no, he never offered to grab dinner somewhere with me -- we said our good nights.  I admit I was at fault for not just shutting him down verbally right then.  I'm terrible at that.  I want too badly to be nice to people.  I honestly believe he's a very sweet person that is just completely clueless.  However, I regretted these sympathetic feelings when I had to shut him down on the good night kiss.  Not once...  Nooooot twice...  BUT THREE SOLID TIMES.  THREE.  Two more than should ever be necessary for anyone to get the hint.

Then, he was gone.  I was relieved.  There may have been a happy dance.

Oh thank God it was over!  It was done!  He got the cheek three times.  How could anyone think things were going well after that?  I was never going to hear from him again and I was elated.

...Or so I thought.  HB was a persistent little bugger; persistent and hopelessly unable to read the signs.  He texted me the next day (again with the texting!) to ask if he could see me again.  This time I decided the kindest way to let him down was to not respond, rather than say something unkind.  I didn't want to hurt him unnecessarily, but I also just... wanted the situation to go away.  There was the High Road and there was the Chickenshit Road.  I took the latter.

This didn't phase my suitor.  He followed up his text a day later with the following email:

"Hey N,

Hope you a had a good rest of the weekend. I had texted you to see if you wanted to hang out again, but haven't heard back from you yet...so not sure if you're still interested in going out again. I think you are smart, funny and gorgeous and would really love to go out with you again and have a hassle-free date this time. You probably saw me at my most stressed. I really had been looking forward to meeting you all week and wanted to plan something that was going to be fun....so when things started to get hectic, I think I got more stressed out than normal and let the circumstances affect me the rest of the night b/c I was just disappointed that I couldn't show you a better time.

I completely understand if you didn't feel a connection with me or just don't want to go out again. I guess I just want to let you know that I think you are a great girl and how happy I would be to get another chance to go out with you and start fresh. No parks, I promise ... HB" 

It was a very sweet and sincere email, but I just could not imagine going through a similar date experience again with this person.  There was just absolutely no attraction on my end.  I decided I needed to close the book on this and just let him down as easy as I could.  I hit "Reply" that night after careful editing and consideration.  I mean, he said right there that he would understand if I didn't want to go out again.  He would totally get how I felt, right?

"Hi HB,

I apologize for just now getting back to you.  It's been a couple of very long days for me.  I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to pull together what you thought sounded like a really fantastic date.  I definitely don't hold any of what happened, in terms of unforeseen circumstances and stressors, against you.  Things just happen.  If anyone can understand that sentiment, it's me.

You are an incredibly generous person and I did enjoy your conversation.  However, I think that maybe we are not the best-suited match romantically speaking.  I feel truly horrid if I have led you on.  I do think you're a great person and I sincerely wish you all the best.  I hope you understand.

Regards,
N"

I felt good about that message.  We were not suited for each other, I did feel terrible, and I openly asked him to move on.  Imagine my surprise when I found the next message in my Inbox two full days later.

"So there's no way I could persuade you to come with me to the Hollywood Bowl on Sunday night :)"

Did... Did he just try to bribe me?  With a date?  And after I stated I was not a match romantically, and uninterested in pursuing things further?  Yep.  Yep, he did.  What kind of horrible person accepts a date as a bribe?!  "I was so not feeling things before, but now that you're paying...!"

Enough was enough.  He needed a swift response that said I was not playing around.

"I don't think that is even remotely a good idea.  Nor should you want to go out with the kind of person who is otherwise uninterested, but would still accept your offer."

He was, let's say, less than thrilled.

"Alright then. Didn't realize you were 150% uninterested...thanks for the life lesson though."

And that was that.  Done.  I had ripped the band aid off the scabbed-over wound that was my Saturday night date.  Praise to the sweet baby Jesus!  Hallelujah!

Now, I'm not saying you must provide the things this date lacked on every occasion. Simply remember that it's about context.  If HB had suggested the pizza after we discussed the best pies we had ever eaten in L.A., I would have reacted differently.  At the very least, if you're asking someone out, make sure they know they're special; not just another way to pass your evening (with the potential of getting laid).  If you think they're worth more than five minutes of your day, show them.  I don't know about y'all, but time is my most precious gift.  And I am not wasting such a valuable resource on people who don't deserve it.  Words are great, actions are better.   Also, for the love of God, please don't overreact when things start going screwy, just flow with it.  Your date will appreciate your ability to figure things out when events start going awry.  Besides, it's more about the person than the actual events of the date anyway.

Always treat others with respect - end of story.  Whether it's your date, your waiter, or the guy who stepped on your toe in line at the grocery store, your deeds in front of your potential boyfriend or girlfriend are noticed.  We can't help judging based on how we see others being treated, as unfair as it sounds.  It's human nature.

Finally, take a Goddamn hint from us ladies.  Please.

Now what have I learned about myself?  Not to force myself to go through with something my better judgement dictates I should not.  To follow my instinct when the occasion calls for it.  I will never again suffer through an agonizing experience like that, regardless of how good a tale it makes later.

You know, HB told me he dated his ex for a year and a half.  A YEAR AND A HALF!  My first thought was "oh God that poor woman!  How did she put up with this for so long?"  Then, I realized I was sitting there doing the exact same thing.  That I had done the exact same thing in so many situations and relationships past, and for far too long.  "Just ok" is not good enough.  You deserve better than "good enough."  You deserve someone who makes you happy and doesn't just shill out the bare minimum of their effort to keep you around.  Believe me when I say that being dealt that little and convincing yourself it's totally fine will only make you miserable.  If someone can't bother to take the time to learn what makes you tick or express any shred of common decency, don't spend more than two minutes with them, let alone a year or more.

It's not about A person, it's about THE RIGHT person.

Also, don't chase after someone who clearly doesn't want anything to do with you, it's wasting the time you could be spending with someone far better.  Even "4% uninterested" qualifies as "uninterested."  Find the person that is 100% -- 1,000%! 10,000%!-- interested.

When you have that right person, horrible incidents and stressful dates don't matter, because you know that even if your evening plans are sinking faster than a turd in a toilet bowl, at least you two can laugh about it later.

- N

[UPDATE 11/06/12]  A new IM sent at approximately 4:30 PM

HoneyBadger1243: Hey Rachel, how have ya been?

Need I say more?