For this week's V.I.S. (Very Important Sleazebag), I nearly reached the limit on how much stupidity and utter lack of reading comprehension I could stand. I give each enraging message a solid 24-hour "cool down" window, which usually means I don't end up responding. Why would I want to get in a trolling contest with some idiot anyway? Call it catharsis, call it revenge, but it would be a true shame to let this gem pass you readers by. This is why I present the Sleaziest Sleaze of the Seven Seas (Thanks, Hook), our friend "Humpy." Congratulations! There were many contenders for the title this week, but... you went for the gold, buddy!
As for my credentials in judging such an elite contest, just ask any of my friends: in a room filled entirely with normal, generally nice males, I will somehow attract or engage the biggest douche bag on the scene. What can I say? It's a gift. In the future, when we all have mutant superpowers, Douche-Dar© will be mine. Guaranteed. (Kinda wish it was having my bones fused with Adamantium, not gonna lie. Man!)
Hello Catwoman. I'm reaching out because I'm visiting LA next week to visit my brother and looking to meet some new friends. I needed some time away and unplug from school and work.
Where's your favorite place to hang at? Would you be interested in hanging? Great photos, btw.
I would think anyone with half a brain could decode this message with relative ease. If not, and you are confused, please refer to the end of this post for guidance (Hint: "hang" is slang for "sexy naked times"). Let's start with the obvious: No, I do not want to be friends with your penis. Now, let's back up a bit and talk about what you can't see from my transcription. "Humpy" here claims he is 24 years old. I say "claims," as I have never seen a 24-year-old with a receding hairline so analogous to a distant shore viewed through a telescope in my life. "Avast mateys! Thar be hair near!" Seriously, my father has more hair on his head than this guy, and he's nearing 60. "Alright," you say, "what if he is prematurely balding?" Good point! Many younger men do have this problem, and I genuinely feel for their plight, but do these same young men also have skin resembling worn leather? No, really, I think if there were a color swatch of this man's skin, it would line up precisely with "Burnt Sienna."
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| Warning: this color not suitable for human complexion |
Though his Catwoman reference may initially strike some of you as odd, I have a confession. I posted a picture of me in the Anne Hathaway inspired Catwoman costume I wore for this year's Halloween festivities. In an effort to practice what I preach about posting false information on your profile, I thought I should share that particular image. It's only fair that if you list your body type as "fit," you back that up. And bodysuits definitely do not lie. I posted it knowing that I could potentially attract the creepers, sketch-O's, and sexmongers rampant throughout the website. *Sigh* "The best-laid plans of mice and men / Often go awry." Plus, it has C in a kick-ass Ghostbuster jumpsuit. Why would you NOT post that picture? It's fucking awesome. At least Humpy recognizes The Awesome. He also recognizes boobs. It happens.
On the whole, this entire email is not only sleazy to the max, it's an insult to my intelligence. Why would any woman read this and be either A) stupid enough to believe he really wants to "hang out," or B) smart enough to know his implied meaning, yet be so devoid of self-respect and concern for personal safety (sexually and physically), she would consent? It's one thing to have your little in-town hook up friend, but it is quite another to agree to meet up with some out-of-towner, where your knowledge of them is based only on what they are willing to tell you (which incidentally may or may not be true), for the sole purpose of bumping uglies. Are there women who actually do this? Would this kind of email truly work for anyone, ever? I'm assuming it must, which makes me completely despondent. "Sad" isn't strong enough a word to convey how disheartened I am by that thought. Girls, even in your driest of dry spells, don't succumb to sleaze-magnets like this guy. More importantly, have some Goddamn self-respect. Give a damn for your well being and safety. I would rather be utterly alone than have someone use me as a disposable sex toy during their vacation. Gross.
"Humpy," while I am entirely uninterested, I do have a few friends you should meet. Actually, I'm positive you are already acquainted. They're your Ms. Right and your Mr. Left -- if you swing that way. There's even Bi-curious Thumb! Fire away, stud. Neither will they complain about your unwanted sexual advances, nor will they ever turn you down. In fact, you can all get together at once: go sit and spin, you disrespectful motherfucker.
How 'bout it guys? Three boo's for "Humpy," our Okay, Stupid Sleazebag of the Week!
In the words of my friend, K, go "burn in a hole for all eternity." Regarding your cavalier sex life, I would get tested for STDs before you get to burnin'. Well, maybe not. At least if you have crabs, they can keep you company down there!
Pun fully intended.
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Interested in learning which of your favorite celebs have suffered through the woes of online dating? There's a feature on Yahoo! today discussing just that.
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