She Volunteered as Tribute

My God do I want this lady on our Okay, Stupid team.

"Dating is the Worst, and Other Scientific Facts" by Katherine Fritz

Wow.  *Sigh*

In honor of the the collected quotes of genius proportions given at the end of the article (Seriously? "let me take you out and you can give me kisses?"  Oy vey), I give you...

This week in One-Liner FAILS!

"You're a graphic design artist?  For t-shirts? Tell me more about that, sounds interesting!"

I would, but you did not take note that my given career is in no way graphic design, nor do I do anything with t-shirts.  I did, however, explain my real job at great length in a carefully worded paragraph.

"Drinks on you?"

*Looks down* Well, not at present, no.

"Why didn't you stay in Kansas?"

Uhh... Why didn't you stay off the Internet?

 "Oh boy..."

Ok, I'm just at a loss with that one.

Help?

- N

Q: What's Cooler Than Cool? A: Ice. Cold.

It's seems C & I have both been remiss in updating our meager -- but very supportive -- audience on our forays into the L.A. dating scene.

Here's a quick recap of the last five months for me: drama, sexual assault (no, this is not a joke), more drama, investigations into restraining orders (unrelated to the assault), a dash of heartache, "wait, you're HOW old," total abysmal emotional spiral, more drama, friend break ups, work break ups, and generally being a total fucking moron and not listening to my head when it comes to matters of the heart.

So, I'm back.  It's a relatively dry spell.  My vagina has only been laid claim to by one person at my new workplace.  Go me! (But really it's kind of a problem.  Ew, stop.)

Seriously, though, maybe it's time to get back to those snarky comments and overly analytical discussions of dating profiles I'm known for most.

Here's one to start us off:

"[...]Hey cool girl i hope my pictures do me justice in portraying my coolness i ooze coolness from every pore LOL hey if you're cool enough then maybe just maybe ill let YOU take ME out on a date LOL (that was a joke in case u missed it or sensitive to sarcasm part of my persona) so if you like what you read and see then you know what to do!!

-IguanaLover97"

Am I the only one who wishes he had actually continued his run-on sentence to describe exactly what I should do?  I was honestly hoping for that.  Frankly,  it's been so long since I shut down my profile that I can't remember a thing about this guy, but I would bet money that the "97" in his username is referencing his year of birth.  Hmmm... what?  I'm an entire decade older than you.  You may be "cool," honey, but right now you're fucking with the Ice Queen.  And this bitch says go get yourself a bottle of lotion and some tissues and call it a day, kid. 

Sleazebag of the Week: Thanksgiving Edition

No contest.  I present to you, ladies & gentlemen, our winner... Or "weiner" as the case may be.

I rest my case.

My favorite part of the entire thing is "No, it doesn't make me feel good!"  Well.  To be fair, I did warn him.

It also would appear "SickPuppy" has the same understanding of female reproductive system as many male members of the GOP.  If I met this person, I would want to gently clasp his arm, look deeply into his eyes with concern, and say, "You know that's not anatomically possible... Right?"  Dear God, is there any hope for the future? These are the things that keep me awake at night

Final thought:  Last time I checked, being Jewish did not suddenly absolve you of being a complete fucking moron.  Thanks for playing, though.

On a related note, I will most likely be off PlentyofFish soon.

-----

You know how I can tell right away you don't have game?  You use the tactics in one of the books in the following article: 6 best-selling books with bad dating advice

Do yourself (and me) a favor - just be you!  Then you won't need this ridiculous and illogical drivel.  For instance, if you used a "neg," I would probably think you're an asshole and walk away.  It's much more interesting to have a connection with a person that has an actual personality rather than a set of tactics they deploy at will.  Eventually, she's going to learn you have nothing else to offer and ditch your ass anyway.  So... yeah, just be yourself.  Please?

"Boy, That Escalated Quickly. I Mean, That Really Got Out of Hand Fast"

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Sleazebag of the Week

I sincerely hope today's post will not become a regular feature here on Okay, Stupid.  Although I do feel as if I should preemptively date the the title, just in case.  At this point in my online dating extravaganza, it takes sincere effort and total ineptitude on the part of the sender to get me so riled I can't help but retaliate.  To be perfectly honest, I scarcely respond at all these days, which I think says something about you special gentlemen that invoke my wrath.  Kudos!

For this week's V.I.S. (Very Important Sleazebag), I nearly reached the limit on how much stupidity and utter lack of reading comprehension I could stand.  I give each enraging message a solid 24-hour "cool down" window, which usually means I don't end up responding.  Why would I want to get in a trolling contest with some idiot anyway?  Call it catharsis, call it revenge, but it would be a true shame to let this gem pass you readers by.  This is why I present the Sleaziest Sleaze of the Seven Seas (Thanks, Hook),  our friend "Humpy."  Congratulations!  There were many contenders for the title this week, but... you went for the gold, buddy!

As for my credentials in judging such an elite contest, just ask any of my friends: in a room filled entirely with normal, generally nice males, I will somehow attract or engage the biggest douche bag on the scene.  What can I say?  It's a gift.  In the future, when we all have mutant superpowers, Douche-Dar© will be mine.  Guaranteed.  (Kinda wish it was having my bones fused with Adamantium, not gonna lie.  Man!)

Hello Catwoman.  I'm reaching out because I'm visiting LA next week to visit my brother and looking to meet some new friends.  I needed some time away and unplug from school and work.

Where's your favorite place to hang at?  Would you be interested in hanging?  Great photos, btw.

I would think anyone with half a brain could decode this message with relative ease.  If not, and you are confused, please refer to the end of this post for guidance (Hint: "hang" is slang for "sexy naked times").  Let's start with the obvious: No, I do not want to be friends with your penis.  Now, let's back up a bit and talk about what you can't see from my transcription.  "Humpy" here claims he is 24 years old.  I say "claims," as I have never seen a 24-year-old with a receding hairline so analogous to a distant shore viewed through a telescope in my life.  "Avast mateys!  Thar be hair near!"  Seriously, my father has more hair on his head than this guy, and he's nearing 60.  "Alright," you say, "what if he is prematurely balding?"  Good point!  Many younger men do have this problem, and I genuinely feel for their plight, but do these same young men also have skin resembling worn leather?  No, really, I think if there were a color swatch of this man's skin, it would line up precisely with "Burnt Sienna."

Warning: this color not suitable for human complexion

To avoid any incidents similar to my what occurred in my last post, I did not check his profile to see if he was visiting our fair city from the Jersey Shore.  This would be an unsurprising revelation.  Final conclusion?  This man is not 24 unless he has the same genetic mutation allowing him to age three times faster than the average human, like Robin Williams in the movie Jack (Two R.Williams references in one post?  Stop the insanity!).  However, it would be incredibly convenient if he were a hyper-aging man-child, as that would explain his total lack of reading comprehension.  I could truly spend an entire post bemoaning this aspect of OKCupid users, but I will spare you.  For now.  Let's use context clues, shall we, "Humpy?"  When asked "What are you looking for?"  I strategically selected only two of the options: "long-term dating" and "short-term dating."  Note "new friends," and "casual sex" were not checked.  Right away this precludes any exploration of your nether regions, as you are a fucking tourist.  Boning on your brother's couch is not in the cards, and I sincerely doubt you hope to jump into a committed, long-distance relationship.  Although, come to think of it, it would be hilarious to see this guy run when I ask what time of year he thought best for our wedding.

Though his Catwoman reference may initially strike some of you as odd, I have a confession.  I posted a picture of me in the Anne Hathaway inspired Catwoman costume I wore for this year's Halloween festivities.    In an effort to practice what I preach about posting false information on your profile, I thought I should share that particular image.  It's only fair that if you list your body type as "fit," you back that up.  And bodysuits definitely do not lie.  I posted it knowing that I could potentially attract the creepers, sketch-O's, and sexmongers rampant throughout the website. *Sigh*  "The best-laid plans of mice and men / Often go awry."  Plus, it has C in a kick-ass Ghostbuster jumpsuit.  Why would you NOT post that picture?  It's fucking awesome.  At least Humpy recognizes The Awesome.  He also recognizes boobs.  It happens.

On the whole, this entire email is not only sleazy to the max, it's an insult to my intelligence.  Why would any woman read this and be either A) stupid enough to believe he really wants to "hang out," or B) smart enough to know his implied meaning, yet be so devoid of self-respect and concern for personal safety (sexually and physically), she would consent?  It's one thing to have your little in-town hook up friend, but it is quite another to agree to meet up with some out-of-towner, where your knowledge of them is based only on what they are willing to tell you (which incidentally may or may not be true), for the sole purpose of bumping uglies.  Are there women who actually do this?  Would this kind of email truly work for anyone, ever?  I'm assuming it must, which makes me completely despondent.  "Sad" isn't strong enough a word to convey how disheartened I am by that thought.  Girls, even in your driest of dry spells, don't succumb to sleaze-magnets like this guy.  More importantly, have some Goddamn self-respect.  Give a damn for your well being and safety.  I would rather be utterly alone than have someone use me as a disposable sex toy during their vacation.  Gross.

"Humpy," while I am entirely uninterested, I do have a few friends you should meet.  Actually, I'm positive you are already acquainted.  They're your Ms. Right and your Mr. Left -- if you swing that way.  There's even Bi-curious Thumb!  Fire away, stud.  Neither will they complain about your unwanted sexual advances, nor will they ever turn you down.  In fact, you can all get together at once: go sit and spin, you disrespectful motherfucker.

How 'bout it guys?  Three boo's for "Humpy," our Okay, Stupid Sleazebag of the Week!

In the words of my friend, K,  go "burn in a hole for all eternity."  Regarding your cavalier sex life, I would get tested for STDs before you get to burnin'.  Well, maybe not.  At least if you have crabs, they can keep you company down there!

Pun fully intended.

----

Interested in learning which of your favorite celebs have suffered through the woes of online dating?  There's a feature on Yahoo! today discussing just that.

Celebs Who Tried Online Dating!

Props to Deborah Ann Woll -- Jessica Hamby on True Blood -- fellow alum and C's classmate!

I Love the Smell of (Slightly Terrifying) Desperation in the Morning

Welcome to the Halloween edition of Okay, Stupid.   Er, we're a bit late.  Sorry. "Spooky," "eerie," and all things otherwise fear-inducing being the general theme of your hostess's favorite holiday, I will share with you my newest troubling tale.  Lately, dealing with some of these guys has me feeling like the Cryptkeeper (read: a snarky, pun-wielding corpse, whose life has been sucked from them by the undesirable, straight male population of our namesake's site).

Attractive image of N, sans make up

If there's one thing I have learned from dating, it's that some guys just can't take a hint.  What's a rational, reasonably polite, and considerate skeleton individual to do, short of destroying a soul or five?  No, please tell me, as I'm starting to think soul destruction is precisely what it takes to get the point across.  My patience runs thin... and my fear runs high.

It seems I have attracted the attention of a very persistent Multiple Message Offender.  By now I'm starting to fear my ardent admirer seeks to meet up for the sole purpose of adding the finishing touches to the skinsuit he spent the last 6 years lovingly crafting.  Although, who could blame him?  My skin is soft as a baby's ass from the constant exfoliation and layers upon layers of moisturizer.  Way to go for quality, dude.  But, I digress.  Whether my supple limbs and impeccable grooming habits are apparent from the 10 allotted user photos I have added, or because he has taken up residence in the bushes outside my apartment complex, I prefer not to think about.  On a totally unrelated note, did I mention I carry mace?

*****

Hello, how are you? L'Shana Tova...I was taking a look at your profile and I like what I see and read. You're really cute which is a plus too lol :). I think I wrote to you in the past but don't know why we haven't talked. Hope this time around it will work :)

D

Nothing is really wrong with this message.  I honestly glanced at the "wrote to you in the past" line and went "huh, maybe he did."  I have no idea if that's true.  I scoped out his profile to be sure I hadn't passed up a good guy once I finished reading.  A quick glance told me why I never responded if he had messaged me previously.  We had nothing in common fother than the fact we both happen to be Jewish.  Don't equate that coincidence with fate, sir.  Additionally, our match rating was low and I was ultimately not attracted to him.  I enjoy being fit, not eating double cheeseburgers on the reg, and I'm not sorry for wanting to be with someone who enjoys being physically active at least as much as I do.

Little did I know D was online while I was perusing his profile.  I received the following message whilst browsing...

Sorry to be a pest and slightly persistent but did you like my profile/message? Lol all in all I really like your profile and we have lots in common.

D

PS: L'Shana Tova!

I'm pretty sure my lack of response should inform you of my interest level, D.  Also, what the fuck, that's just creepy.  Let it go.  Moreover, "lots" is a gross overstatement of the facts.  What are these multitudes of things we have in common?  Please clarify.  If I missed something from reading your profile, speak up by all means.  All I got was that you use quite a few emoticons and the phrase "lol" every other sentence.  How do I know you didn't just browse my pictures, go "ooh, shiny!" and decide to message me?  Being vague can only hinder your you chances, which were "slim to none" to begin with.  Finally, I get it: you're Jewish and so am I, but if you tell me "Happy New Year" one more time I will find you and beat you over the head with a pair of sparkly party glasses that read "5773."  Actually, scratch that, I'll have a friend do it.  The less chance I have of running into you ever in my life, the better, Stage Five Clinger.

Anyone out there recall the first five minutes of Scream?  Drew Barrymore's character is having what she thinks is an innocent conversation with a wrong number...

Casey: [smiling] Why do you want to know my name?
Phone Voice : Because I want to know who I'm looking at.

Okaaay, that's enough messages from you, D.  While I would never be so stupid as to sit there and chit chat with some random caller like poor Casey,  the urgency of D's message did freak me out quite a bit.  With visions of the Scream victims dancing in my head, I switched my IM on the site to "offline."  Thanks, D (whom we shall refer to henceforth as "Ghostface"), but we shall not be learning more about one another anytime soon.  Did I mention I carry a taser in addition to that can of mace?  A little something I picked up, really.  Still not relevant.  Nope, not even a little.  It was on sale!  Matched my bag and everything!  Such an impulsive purchase was totally not related to the rising levels of adrenaline coursing through my veins and the heightened sense of panic I'm currently experiencing.

Just like any good horror movie, Ghostface lulled me into a false sense of security.  Several weeks passed and I didn't give homeboy a second thought.  D was simply one more bizarre exchange to add to my already expansive pile of unenlightened internet daters.  Then, I was informed one afternoon that I had received a new message from "sept9_1983."  Sensing a spambot, I checked my inbox... and became more than a little disconcerted.

Hello again...how are you? I wanted to try once more because I really like your profile and thing[sic] we'd get along well :). You're really cute btw. Hope we can chat this time.

D

From an analytical standpoint, repetition is completely insincere and unflattering.  If you can think of nothing to say besides what you have already said, spare yourself the mental strain and find someone just as dull.  D, sweetie, we would not make it past the first date.

Seriously guys, learn the art of compliment giving.  Speak from your heart, but not in vague generalities.  Please banish words like "pretty," "nice," and "cute" from your vocabulary.  These terms are so overused in our daily terminology that they are completely unremarkable and unimpressive when used to describe a woman, especially to her face; and especially more than once.  To us, that's  the equivalent of hitting the "Snooze" button mid-conversation.  If someone were to say to me "Wow, you're really pretty," that's just swell.  Then it's said three or four more times and now I'm honestly bored and concerned that you have no more intellectual conversation to put forth.  It's the fella who says -- once -- "You have the most infectious smile I think I've ever encountered" that makes me sit up and take notice.  More than being unoriginal, the repetition tells me that you're honestly not interested in anything more than what you see.  You gave your whole game away, Ghostface.  Please take your sinister smileys and vague allusions to meeting in person and GET THE FUCK OUT.  Geh!  Gives me the willies.

Alright, so maybe my tale of mystery and terror (E.A. Poe shout out what WHAT?) is not entirely exceptional, I'll grant you readers that.  Frankly, I'm just sharing this in case I go missing at some point in the near future, so y'all know what probably happened.  Make sure you find me before my calves become the lapels on D's skin suit, please?  And if I get sprayed with that hose one more time...

No, that's not a euphemism.

An Essay on Essays

No one wants to start reading an online dating message only to realize it is, in actuality, a lengthy term paper full of grammatical errors, disastrous attempts at humor, insipid responses to profile topics, and thinly (or not-so-thinly) veiled sexual innuendos.  While I generally agree with my co-blogger regarding the discouragement of The Essay Message, I am here to do something I don't normally do: discuss my very personal experience with this subject in a non-comedic manner.

There are exceptions to every rule, and the "no essays" clause is among them.  One of the first messages I ever received online was the exact definition of the dreaded profile response essay.  It was multiple paragraphs, had several humor-intended remarks, and touched on more than a few of the topics mentioned in my online profile.  My automatic response upon seeing so many words in one location was "oh fuck that."

I can't say what made me pause.  I can't say what made me read the message in its entirety, then check the writer's profile.  All I know is that I did.

The message itself was intelligently written; balancing sincerity and wit while giving me a clear portrait of this stranger.  He obviously did not expect or demand response, but was putting in his two cents, hoping I would take the time to read.  And even the profile thumbnail attached with the message displayed nothing overly remarkable, just your average run-of-the-mill picture of a fairly attractive guy with a smile on his face.  However, the content of that essay message struck me, and led me to check out the modestly developed profile for more.

What convinced this individual might be worth contacting back?  Clearly they took the time to read what I had said, found it at least mildly humorous -- that's a big sell for me, and piqued my interest by pulling several key points from my profile for response.  Less is more, guys.  Pick one or two details.  Don't just respond in kind to everything on the lady's online profile.  Following up a personal detail with a similar point from your own life lets them get to know you before ever looking you up.  To be interesting you must first show you're interested.  Ask a pertinent question of two.  After all, this is meant to be a conversation.  Finally, don't try to bowl her over with laughter the entire way through: you are not as funny as you hope, and will probably sound like a tool (ask "Lenny").  A little dab'll do ya.

Generally speaking, simpler is better.  A few lines of clever and engaging text suit fine.  Remember my story as the exception to the rule "C" discussed.  If you even for one second presume you are the exception rather than the rule: you are wrong.  If you intend to say more than a few sentences, you have to realistically consider that your intended recipient may overlook your message completely.  It happens.  At the very least, consider this post a jumping off point when you find someone you feel requires a little more of your attention than usual.  Never fear, if things don't work out, it probably wasn't meant to happen anyway.  Then again, she may surprise you.  There is always the chance she will enthusiastically reply.

I understand if you don't believe a single word of this analysis and explanation.  To that end, allow me to finish my story.  As you know, I did reply to my mysterious essayist.  In truth, I eventually replied several more times.

And we dated for four months.

One Line Only

The Okay, Stupid Gods didst smile down upon me this most glorious day of our Ermehgeeerd,  October 2nd, 2012.  And it was good.

 It began with a simple and understated:

"Thunda down unda"

Stop.  Clarification necessary: What is, uh, this sentence referring to, my good man?  Do I give you the 'thunda down unda [sic]?' Or might you be suggesting I have the 'thunda down unda...?'  Do you need to seek professional treatment from a practicing physician for said 'thunda?'  In this case, might I suggest your local Planned Parenthood?  They are knowledgeable, discreet, and will shower you with oodles of contraception methods to prevent you from contracting 'Thunda' again in the future.  Ok, ok, how about this: three words. Five syllables. First syllable sounds like....

Frankly, I'm just confused.

My favorite one-liner that day goes to the gentleman who said this:

 "Soo.. Where should we go on our road trip?  I'm thinking Bora Bora :)"

Refresh my memory, please, but when did I agree to road trip with you?  Listen, pal, I hardly ever agree to road trip with close friends, let alone complete strangers.  Slow your roll, son.  More importantly, who failed you in geography?  (This travesty brought to you by the public education system of 'Merica.)  Most painful.

Thanks, WaitingforSuperman, but if I need to get to Bora Bora anytime soon, it will be by plane; not submersible James Bond car.  However, if you did perchance own said submersible James Bond car, I might take this journey under more careful consideration.  Only, you would have to let me drive.

- N