I Love the Smell of (Slightly Terrifying) Desperation in the Morning

Welcome to the Halloween edition of Okay, Stupid.   Er, we're a bit late.  Sorry. "Spooky," "eerie," and all things otherwise fear-inducing being the general theme of your hostess's favorite holiday, I will share with you my newest troubling tale.  Lately, dealing with some of these guys has me feeling like the Cryptkeeper (read: a snarky, pun-wielding corpse, whose life has been sucked from them by the undesirable, straight male population of our namesake's site).

Attractive image of N, sans make up

If there's one thing I have learned from dating, it's that some guys just can't take a hint.  What's a rational, reasonably polite, and considerate skeleton individual to do, short of destroying a soul or five?  No, please tell me, as I'm starting to think soul destruction is precisely what it takes to get the point across.  My patience runs thin... and my fear runs high.

It seems I have attracted the attention of a very persistent Multiple Message Offender.  By now I'm starting to fear my ardent admirer seeks to meet up for the sole purpose of adding the finishing touches to the skinsuit he spent the last 6 years lovingly crafting.  Although, who could blame him?  My skin is soft as a baby's ass from the constant exfoliation and layers upon layers of moisturizer.  Way to go for quality, dude.  But, I digress.  Whether my supple limbs and impeccable grooming habits are apparent from the 10 allotted user photos I have added, or because he has taken up residence in the bushes outside my apartment complex, I prefer not to think about.  On a totally unrelated note, did I mention I carry mace?

*****

Hello, how are you? L'Shana Tova...I was taking a look at your profile and I like what I see and read. You're really cute which is a plus too lol :). I think I wrote to you in the past but don't know why we haven't talked. Hope this time around it will work :)

D

Nothing is really wrong with this message.  I honestly glanced at the "wrote to you in the past" line and went "huh, maybe he did."  I have no idea if that's true.  I scoped out his profile to be sure I hadn't passed up a good guy once I finished reading.  A quick glance told me why I never responded if he had messaged me previously.  We had nothing in common fother than the fact we both happen to be Jewish.  Don't equate that coincidence with fate, sir.  Additionally, our match rating was low and I was ultimately not attracted to him.  I enjoy being fit, not eating double cheeseburgers on the reg, and I'm not sorry for wanting to be with someone who enjoys being physically active at least as much as I do.

Little did I know D was online while I was perusing his profile.  I received the following message whilst browsing...

Sorry to be a pest and slightly persistent but did you like my profile/message? Lol all in all I really like your profile and we have lots in common.

D

PS: L'Shana Tova!

I'm pretty sure my lack of response should inform you of my interest level, D.  Also, what the fuck, that's just creepy.  Let it go.  Moreover, "lots" is a gross overstatement of the facts.  What are these multitudes of things we have in common?  Please clarify.  If I missed something from reading your profile, speak up by all means.  All I got was that you use quite a few emoticons and the phrase "lol" every other sentence.  How do I know you didn't just browse my pictures, go "ooh, shiny!" and decide to message me?  Being vague can only hinder your you chances, which were "slim to none" to begin with.  Finally, I get it: you're Jewish and so am I, but if you tell me "Happy New Year" one more time I will find you and beat you over the head with a pair of sparkly party glasses that read "5773."  Actually, scratch that, I'll have a friend do it.  The less chance I have of running into you ever in my life, the better, Stage Five Clinger.

Anyone out there recall the first five minutes of Scream?  Drew Barrymore's character is having what she thinks is an innocent conversation with a wrong number...

Casey: [smiling] Why do you want to know my name?
Phone Voice : Because I want to know who I'm looking at.

Okaaay, that's enough messages from you, D.  While I would never be so stupid as to sit there and chit chat with some random caller like poor Casey,  the urgency of D's message did freak me out quite a bit.  With visions of the Scream victims dancing in my head, I switched my IM on the site to "offline."  Thanks, D (whom we shall refer to henceforth as "Ghostface"), but we shall not be learning more about one another anytime soon.  Did I mention I carry a taser in addition to that can of mace?  A little something I picked up, really.  Still not relevant.  Nope, not even a little.  It was on sale!  Matched my bag and everything!  Such an impulsive purchase was totally not related to the rising levels of adrenaline coursing through my veins and the heightened sense of panic I'm currently experiencing.

Just like any good horror movie, Ghostface lulled me into a false sense of security.  Several weeks passed and I didn't give homeboy a second thought.  D was simply one more bizarre exchange to add to my already expansive pile of unenlightened internet daters.  Then, I was informed one afternoon that I had received a new message from "sept9_1983."  Sensing a spambot, I checked my inbox... and became more than a little disconcerted.

Hello again...how are you? I wanted to try once more because I really like your profile and thing[sic] we'd get along well :). You're really cute btw. Hope we can chat this time.

D

From an analytical standpoint, repetition is completely insincere and unflattering.  If you can think of nothing to say besides what you have already said, spare yourself the mental strain and find someone just as dull.  D, sweetie, we would not make it past the first date.

Seriously guys, learn the art of compliment giving.  Speak from your heart, but not in vague generalities.  Please banish words like "pretty," "nice," and "cute" from your vocabulary.  These terms are so overused in our daily terminology that they are completely unremarkable and unimpressive when used to describe a woman, especially to her face; and especially more than once.  To us, that's  the equivalent of hitting the "Snooze" button mid-conversation.  If someone were to say to me "Wow, you're really pretty," that's just swell.  Then it's said three or four more times and now I'm honestly bored and concerned that you have no more intellectual conversation to put forth.  It's the fella who says -- once -- "You have the most infectious smile I think I've ever encountered" that makes me sit up and take notice.  More than being unoriginal, the repetition tells me that you're honestly not interested in anything more than what you see.  You gave your whole game away, Ghostface.  Please take your sinister smileys and vague allusions to meeting in person and GET THE FUCK OUT.  Geh!  Gives me the willies.

Alright, so maybe my tale of mystery and terror (E.A. Poe shout out what WHAT?) is not entirely exceptional, I'll grant you readers that.  Frankly, I'm just sharing this in case I go missing at some point in the near future, so y'all know what probably happened.  Make sure you find me before my calves become the lapels on D's skin suit, please?  And if I get sprayed with that hose one more time...

No, that's not a euphemism.

An Essay on Essays

No one wants to start reading an online dating message only to realize it is, in actuality, a lengthy term paper full of grammatical errors, disastrous attempts at humor, insipid responses to profile topics, and thinly (or not-so-thinly) veiled sexual innuendos.  While I generally agree with my co-blogger regarding the discouragement of The Essay Message, I am here to do something I don't normally do: discuss my very personal experience with this subject in a non-comedic manner.

There are exceptions to every rule, and the "no essays" clause is among them.  One of the first messages I ever received online was the exact definition of the dreaded profile response essay.  It was multiple paragraphs, had several humor-intended remarks, and touched on more than a few of the topics mentioned in my online profile.  My automatic response upon seeing so many words in one location was "oh fuck that."

I can't say what made me pause.  I can't say what made me read the message in its entirety, then check the writer's profile.  All I know is that I did.

The message itself was intelligently written; balancing sincerity and wit while giving me a clear portrait of this stranger.  He obviously did not expect or demand response, but was putting in his two cents, hoping I would take the time to read.  And even the profile thumbnail attached with the message displayed nothing overly remarkable, just your average run-of-the-mill picture of a fairly attractive guy with a smile on his face.  However, the content of that essay message struck me, and led me to check out the modestly developed profile for more.

What convinced this individual might be worth contacting back?  Clearly they took the time to read what I had said, found it at least mildly humorous -- that's a big sell for me, and piqued my interest by pulling several key points from my profile for response.  Less is more, guys.  Pick one or two details.  Don't just respond in kind to everything on the lady's online profile.  Following up a personal detail with a similar point from your own life lets them get to know you before ever looking you up.  To be interesting you must first show you're interested.  Ask a pertinent question of two.  After all, this is meant to be a conversation.  Finally, don't try to bowl her over with laughter the entire way through: you are not as funny as you hope, and will probably sound like a tool (ask "Lenny").  A little dab'll do ya.

Generally speaking, simpler is better.  A few lines of clever and engaging text suit fine.  Remember my story as the exception to the rule "C" discussed.  If you even for one second presume you are the exception rather than the rule: you are wrong.  If you intend to say more than a few sentences, you have to realistically consider that your intended recipient may overlook your message completely.  It happens.  At the very least, consider this post a jumping off point when you find someone you feel requires a little more of your attention than usual.  Never fear, if things don't work out, it probably wasn't meant to happen anyway.  Then again, she may surprise you.  There is always the chance she will enthusiastically reply.

I understand if you don't believe a single word of this analysis and explanation.  To that end, allow me to finish my story.  As you know, I did reply to my mysterious essayist.  In truth, I eventually replied several more times.

And we dated for four months.