Constructing your online dating profile is an art form unto itself. Constant refining and perfecting is not only necessary, but essential if you want to stay in the game. However, wanting to fully represent yourself and amplifying that desire by the power of
The Internet™ lulls people into sharing details about themselves that should probably only be brought up after the fourth or fifth date, and not with the entire world. (Do I need to know you have a thing for girls with long toes and enjoy someone whipping you while being referred to as "Schnookums?" No. Not really. From a personal standpoint, probably never.)
As if trying to present yourself as a unique individual were not already a daunting enough task, you have to consider outside viewpoints. From the casual profile browser's view, there are a few things that tip us off reeeeeal fast that you're just a bit too... "you." Remember: sharing is caring, but silence is golden. Don't post anything that's going to have the refs (not the dumbass temp ones brought in from high school or college games, mind you, the professionals) throwing the yellow flag on your play.
Thus, here is the subject of today's post: What not to include vs. What to highlight in your online dating profile. This topic may have been discussed multiple times in a multitude of articles, but I'm here to give you the real inside scoop, from a straight lady's perspective. To that end, I've brought visual aids and examples. Get ready, because school is in session, and there may be a pop quiz.
LESSON 1: Don't Scare the Hell Out of People
You would think this goes without saying. Alas, not everyone is up on this little tidbit. Sometimes you fellas share or post details that are mildly terrifying. Not in a "sexy-dangerous,
Rebel Without A Cause way," but in that "alarm bells are ringing so loudly in my head I cannot hear anything else" kind of way.
Exhibit A...
In the words of my Sassy Gay Friend (shout out to you, Brian Gallivan), "What, what, WHAT are you doing?!"
Showing off your best Halloween costume is totally fine. I get that. I use those from years past frequently in my profile pictures, and I feel like it shows people a little more about your personality and interests. Also, I really take some of my best photos when I'm in costume. I don't know why, it just happens. Regardless, I append this validation with a tiny, tiny footnote, which is:
don't pick some scary-ass, death crazed, or remotely grotesque picture of yourself as the first thing people see!
When I see this bachelor's photo my honest-to-God immediate reaction is to nearly burst into tears from fear. I may have exclaimed, "AH!" very loudly when I first saw it. Maybe that has to do with the fact that you're dressed as one of the most merciless, unpredictable, and unstable human beings ever created for fiction, and maybe it has to do with the fact I'm mildly terrified of people in costume (Mickey Mouse, I love you, but please stay at least 10 feet from me or I may start to violently tremble). A little of both, I think. Regardless, no lady is going to see this and say, "Ooh, the Joker, bet he's a sane person that I can take home to mom." To go even further, why would you choose this particular photo in light of recent events? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I will go so far as to suggest that *no* picture is better than one like this. So don't start off on the wrong foot. The profile picture is the gateway to gaining traffic to your profile. Avoiding negative connotations will only increase the chances that someone will be interested enough to contact you back.
LESSON 2: Don't Use Other Chicks in Your Picture
A short lesson, but an important one -- especially for your main profile picture. I'm sorry, and correct me if I'm the only soul on the planet who does this, but when I see a a picture of a guy with a female that obviously isn't his mother in his main profile shot, I just assume it's his ex-girlfriend. Having made this assumption, there's a few nearly unconscious comparisons that routinely follow:
- "How long ago was this?"
- "Is her face blurred?" (If so, there's a better chance that he is trying to simply use the picture rather than show off the "ex")
- "Is he really over this person?"
- "Is he still connected to them in any way?" and unfortunately
- "Is she prettier than me?"
You may unintentionally be cutting yourself short of eligible ladies and not even know it. They may think there is still some emotional connection and are unwilling to step in a giant puddle of drama, or they could assume there's no conceivable way they could measure up to this person in your mind, so why bother with a message? Who knows, there could have been a great girl out there who took one look at your photo and decided not to contact you. It's a fact that our own personal insecurities work against us. In order to avoid rejection, us girls will sidestep that profile in search of more promising, and possibly less complicated, options. So, again, I reiterate: avoid negative (or misleading) connotations with your profile picture.
LESSON 3: You're Kidding, Right?
A vague lesson title, to be sure. Only do the following if you want to be taken as a complete joke. And for this person's sake, I hope it is a joke.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. While this gentleman followed Lessons 1 and 2, he fails on almost every other count. I will be honest, I did choose to browse his profile based solely on the combination of a great profile picture and a high match percentage. You'll have to take my word on the former.
I stopped looking mere seconds into my perusal when I noticed his screen name and self-summary. "Tigger?" You're like 28, guy. While Winnie the Pooh might have been your favorite childhood story or cartoon, it's best to disclose that information in the right setting. Say, when you've been on several dates with a girl. I would personally find that very endearing at that time. On the other hand, when you reference your love of the "t-i-double-guh-er" in your screen name, it leads me to believe you really haven't emotionally progressed past childhood. Would you represent yourself this way on a resume for potential employers? If not, you probably made the wrong decision in usernames.
Conversely, it does catch my eye when fellas have witty or humorous names. Most girls will tell you they like a sense of humor. Keep that up!
The Street Fighter-style Killer Combo comes in with this particular person on their self-summary. Uhm, what? You're an ASCII bunny... with a heart? Yes, that illuminates so much about you, please tell me more! Perhaps how your interests include an ASCII seal balancing a ball on its nose.
No. Just no. While the sensitive man is appreciated, a straight girl is not going to look at that sad ASCII bunny and say "Wow, he's so sweet and caring!" She's going to look at it and go, "Where's your information? I don't know shit about you." Honestly, you don't need to try overly hard to be witty or clever. We could have lots of things in common to talk about, but I wouldn't know that, because you decided to use an ASCII character where vital information could have been shared. You're not telling me why it should be worth my time to contact you.
No need to "FINISH HIM!" as this gentleman has clearly finished himself.
LESSON 4: On Animals
Puppies will get you everywhere. Cats: sometimes. Goldfish: ok, you're pushin' it. If there is any sense that a guy has a thing for cute, cuddly, and otherwise friendly animal species, I will give his profile at least a mild glance. Bonus points if you actually own a dog, cat, goldfish, hedgehog, etc. Put that shit in a profile picture because it's solid gold, motherfucker. I will look at that profile before every other one on the page because there's an animal involved. Although, this idea doesn't work the same with kids. That would be profile kryptonite (
for those of us not ready to step into the Mom role).
LESSON 5: You Are Not Slick, Slick
Typical. The portrait's pose, the indefinite-but-suggestive message, the "new in town" line... We have your number, fellas. These cliches are all a dead give away for your real intentions. While I'm flattered you find me attractive, good sir, you would see that casual hook-ups are not what I'm looking for had you chosen to look at my profile for more than five seconds.
If you are a male seeking to put your "P" in a "V-Gee" without emotional entanglement, I humbly suggest you look for women who list that in their interests. Otherwise you are bound to find yourself answered with half-hearted messages or complete silence. Women, don't fall for this bullshit. I believe the literal translation of "hanging out" is "sexy naked times." I know; I've used it!
As my like-minded soul sister Jenna Marbles said,
"When
you think you're such a hotshot for gettin' this girl to come home with
you, and that you really wooed her, what really happened was that[...]
she talked to three or 4 of her other girlfriends and was like 'Should I
hook up with this guy? I dunno!' And they're all like 'Yeah you should
do it! You should do it! You should do it!' 'You broke up with Jeremy
and he was, like, such a jerk, you deserve to hook up with someone and
not care about it.' It wasn't you, it was already decided amongst the girls."
Sorry, horny, potential one night stands. Not only do we know what you're up to, and have discussed it at length amongst our friends, but we also get to make the call on whether or not we intend to follow through.
Basically, if you are looking for a serious relationship, or at least to pursue something beyond one night, I suggest (and this for both men and women) you avoid any combination of the above in both your messages and your profile.
Here dost the lesson end, good pupils. Class dismissed!
- N
