Fear not, solitary dedicated reader who I swear checks our blog every morning for new posts! Your Okay, Stupid prayers have been answered! The God(esses?) smile down on you with glad tidings this day. (Bee-tee-dubs, we do not update more than once or twice a week, so you're probably good if you back it off a skoatch. It's chill. I'm pretty sure I know who you are, anyway.)
Today my friend sent me an article "exploring" OKCupid's slimier male denizens. I swear, if you had told me this morning I would be sitting down to write a quasi-defense of OKCupid, I would have laughed in your face. Then, I read this article and realized I had much more to say on the subject than I thought.
Admittedly, I was full of the warm-fuzzies after seeing K's post on my Facebook wall. It's nice to know someone's listening out there! Then, having read the article, my happiness meter went directly into the toilet... 'Cause that's where shitty feelings go.
To read the full article, please go HERE. For the rest of us, let me quickly summarize. In an effort to experiment with just how far men are willing to go to get laid (I'm assuming that would be the general endgame for most of the guys who contacted him), the author created a fake profile, using a picture of a conventionally attractive, young, brunette girl. He then filled "her" profile with some of the most idiotic, nonsensical statements, terrible grammatical and spelling errors, and racially insensitive jokes I have seen admitted to an online dating website. He even threw in a light-hearted felony reference. You know, for kicks. Then he waited to see who would contact this "girl" and exactly how long it would take before they were turned off by her stupidity.
When I first started reading, the idea seemed like a relatively harmless and ultimately hilarious undertaking. Things turned for the worse after I got a few paragraphs in. As I was reading, the article began to depress me more and more. It painted a very bleak picture of what was available out there for us singles. The level of desperation involved for some of these guys was staggering. I began to question my chances for success in dating -- not only on the site, but in actual, real-world encounters -- with these kind of people in existence. Was this it? Was this really the summation of everything I had to choose from?? Imagine how terrifying it would be for you to realize there isn't a single soul on this Earth interested in sharing a real relationship with you. You are completely, utterly alone, surrounded by people simply wanting to get their rocks off. Well, that's precisely what I saw before me now. I was fishing in an empty sea.
After a few moments processing my thoughts, I went through the comments to gauge others' reactions. One particular comment struck a chord. I now realized why I was so unsettled and aggravated by this reading experience. First of all, it's a terrible article. It proves absolutely nothing but what we already know: 1) how shallow people will pursue someone based solely on their appearance, and 2) that really stupid people are going to do really stupid things. How is any of this news? You put some fake, naïve, attractive woman out there on the Internet and give them a moron's profile, of course guys are going to try to get some poon from her. It's Barbie Syndrome: all looks and no brains. For all appearances, she's an easy target. Over half these guys wouldn't dare try that shit if they thought she would shoot them down or have some actual intellectual response to their advances. Now, I'm not saying that preying on the weak isn't morally reprehensible, but let's please be realistic. There's always been sexual predators on the Internet. This is an accepted fact. It's why we take precautionary steps before actually meeting up with someone in real life. Moreover, being a sexual predator is by no means restricted to only males. Women share just as much of the blame. If a woman, who for some reason is sans vibrator, gets on a dating website for sex and sees some attractive, less-than-genius-level guy, she too will probably try get in some horizontal shuffle time. It's how the world works. And after considering all of this, I'm no longer depressed about the situation or the article; I'm just pissed off. I'm pissed off not just because it's a over-dramatized, journalistic-ally unsound "exposé" that does little more than sit back on its high horse and judge people desperately seeking some connection -- any connection (even a penis-vagina-hopefully-orgasm connection) -- from another person in the world, but also because it presumes these lowlifes are the only kind of people on dating sites at all. "Here" it seems to say "this is all ya get!"
Experience has taught me otherwise. I cannot be fooled, because I know better for a fact. I had the good fortune of meeting at least one really fantastic person through online dating, and I know quite a few friends (Not the least of which being C, of course) that are intelligent, caring, and genuine people who also have experimented with this medium. Granted, I have had experience with some real jerks too, but who hasn't? That holds true to the real world as much as the digital one. But you have to be willing to experience good and bad to find anything truly worth your time.
Rob Fee's article is meaningless and dull for more than just his falsely informed reasoning. To me, it's more interesting to explore why and how, all things being equal, guys will get in the way of themselves in pursuit of a woman. Whether by messaging someone with the same opener five times, contacting another user with little chemistry or commonality to themselves, or even when they seem to have everything going for them, they manage to screw up dates to such a degree that one has to wonder if they made up their entire past relationship experience. Understanding all of these things is just a more compelling concept and discussion than sitting around proving an apple is an apple, an orange is an orange, or an idiot is an idiot.
To be honest, I will actually sit here and claim that I have been contacted by very, very few truly moronic-beyond-hope individuals. Misguided? Yes, of course, like 90% of the time, but nowhere near the levels of stupidity exemplified by the men in the article. Why is that? I'm not an easy target. I say who I am, what I'm about, you can get a general sense of my intellectual level, and perhaps most importantly what I'm looking for. I mean, even the douche bags who go "hey, interested in something casual?" have grammatical structure down! They may not be able to read worth a damn, but that's more due to a lack of those reading comprehension skills mentioned in my last post. Furthermore, even guys requesting "something casual" are rare. Generally speaking, you can, and do, find whom you're looking for on the site.
If you take anything from this post, at least take hope. Hope that no, you are not alone. Put that fear to rest right now. You will find exactly what you want to find on OKCupid; whether it is a nice fling, a lasting friendship, or, hell, maybe even a stable relationship. The individuals who can give this to you are out there. Godspeed, my e-daters!
As for this blog, I intend to never, ever bait fellow users just for a talking point. Like I said, it's more fascinating to me discussing and dissecting why, given every opportunity otherwise, these guys completely miss their shot. My aim here is to educate; not ensnare, judge, and otherwise totally belittle the gentleman of OKC. The one exception to the aforementioned rule being that you're an asshole who creeps on my page before asking me to bone you, in which case I will gladly tear your ass apart using the written word.
Phew! I feel better... and possibly overly self-important, but what else is a blog for? Sorry, K, while I appreciate the thought, I had to speak my mind on that one.
Carry on about your business, readers, and expect a less enraged post very, very soon.
Showing posts with label profiles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label profiles. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
I'll Teach You A Lesson You Won't Soon Forget
Constructing your online dating profile is an art form unto itself. Constant refining and perfecting is not only necessary, but essential if you want to stay in the game. However, wanting to fully represent yourself and amplifying that desire by the power of The Internet™ lulls people into sharing details about themselves that should probably only be brought up after the fourth or fifth date, and not with the entire world. (Do I need to know you have a thing for girls with long toes and enjoy someone whipping you while being referred to as "Schnookums?" No. Not really. From a personal standpoint, probably never.)
As if trying to present yourself as a unique individual were not already a daunting enough task, you have to consider outside viewpoints. From the casual profile browser's view, there are a few things that tip us off reeeeeal fast that you're just a bit too... "you." Remember: sharing is caring, but silence is golden. Don't post anything that's going to have the refs (not the dumbass temp ones brought in from high school or college games, mind you, the professionals) throwing the yellow flag on your play.
Thus, here is the subject of today's post: What not to include vs. What to highlight in your online dating profile. This topic may have been discussed multiple times in a multitude of articles, but I'm here to give you the real inside scoop, from a straight lady's perspective. To that end, I've brought visual aids and examples. Get ready, because school is in session, and there may be a pop quiz.
Exhibit A...
In the words of my Sassy Gay Friend (shout out to you, Brian Gallivan), "What, what, WHAT are you doing?!"
Showing off your best Halloween costume is totally fine. I get that. I use those from years past frequently in my profile pictures, and I feel like it shows people a little more about your personality and interests. Also, I really take some of my best photos when I'm in costume. I don't know why, it just happens. Regardless, I append this validation with a tiny, tiny footnote, which is: don't pick some scary-ass, death crazed, or remotely grotesque picture of yourself as the first thing people see!
When I see this bachelor's photo my honest-to-God immediate reaction is to nearly burst into tears from fear. I may have exclaimed, "AH!" very loudly when I first saw it. Maybe that has to do with the fact that you're dressed as one of the most merciless, unpredictable, and unstable human beings ever created for fiction, and maybe it has to do with the fact I'm mildly terrified of people in costume (Mickey Mouse, I love you, but please stay at least 10 feet from me or I may start to violently tremble). A little of both, I think. Regardless, no lady is going to see this and say, "Ooh, the Joker, bet he's a sane person that I can take home to mom." To go even further, why would you choose this particular photo in light of recent events? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I will go so far as to suggest that *no* picture is better than one like this. So don't start off on the wrong foot. The profile picture is the gateway to gaining traffic to your profile. Avoiding negative connotations will only increase the chances that someone will be interested enough to contact you back.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. While this gentleman followed Lessons 1 and 2, he fails on almost every other count. I will be honest, I did choose to browse his profile based solely on the combination of a great profile picture and a high match percentage. You'll have to take my word on the former.
I stopped looking mere seconds into my perusal when I noticed his screen name and self-summary. "Tigger?" You're like 28, guy. While Winnie the Pooh might have been your favorite childhood story or cartoon, it's best to disclose that information in the right setting. Say, when you've been on several dates with a girl. I would personally find that very endearing at that time. On the other hand, when you reference your love of the "t-i-double-guh-er" in your screen name, it leads me to believe you really haven't emotionally progressed past childhood. Would you represent yourself this way on a resume for potential employers? If not, you probably made the wrong decision in usernames.
Conversely, it does catch my eye when fellas have witty or humorous names. Most girls will tell you they like a sense of humor. Keep that up!
The Street Fighter-style Killer Combo comes in with this particular person on their self-summary. Uhm, what? You're an ASCII bunny... with a heart? Yes, that illuminates so much about you, please tell me more! Perhaps how your interests include an ASCII seal balancing a ball on its nose.
No. Just no. While the sensitive man is appreciated, a straight girl is not going to look at that sad ASCII bunny and say "Wow, he's so sweet and caring!" She's going to look at it and go, "Where's your information? I don't know shit about you." Honestly, you don't need to try overly hard to be witty or clever. We could have lots of things in common to talk about, but I wouldn't know that, because you decided to use an ASCII character where vital information could have been shared. You're not telling me why it should be worth my time to contact you.
No need to "FINISH HIM!" as this gentleman has clearly finished himself.
Typical. The portrait's pose, the indefinite-but-suggestive message, the "new in town" line... We have your number, fellas. These cliches are all a dead give away for your real intentions. While I'm flattered you find me attractive, good sir, you would see that casual hook-ups are not what I'm looking for had you chosen to look at my profile for more than five seconds.
If you are a male seeking to put your "P" in a "V-Gee" without emotional entanglement, I humbly suggest you look for women who list that in their interests. Otherwise you are bound to find yourself answered with half-hearted messages or complete silence. Women, don't fall for this bullshit. I believe the literal translation of "hanging out" is "sexy naked times." I know; I've used it!
As my like-minded soul sister Jenna Marbles said,
Basically, if you are looking for a serious relationship, or at least to pursue something beyond one night, I suggest (and this for both men and women) you avoid any combination of the above in both your messages and your profile.
Here dost the lesson end, good pupils. Class dismissed!
- N
As if trying to present yourself as a unique individual were not already a daunting enough task, you have to consider outside viewpoints. From the casual profile browser's view, there are a few things that tip us off reeeeeal fast that you're just a bit too... "you." Remember: sharing is caring, but silence is golden. Don't post anything that's going to have the refs (not the dumbass temp ones brought in from high school or college games, mind you, the professionals) throwing the yellow flag on your play.
Thus, here is the subject of today's post: What not to include vs. What to highlight in your online dating profile. This topic may have been discussed multiple times in a multitude of articles, but I'm here to give you the real inside scoop, from a straight lady's perspective. To that end, I've brought visual aids and examples. Get ready, because school is in session, and there may be a pop quiz.
LESSON 1: Don't Scare the Hell Out of People
You would think this goes without saying. Alas, not everyone is up on this little tidbit. Sometimes you fellas share or post details that are mildly terrifying. Not in a "sexy-dangerous, Rebel Without A Cause way," but in that "alarm bells are ringing so loudly in my head I cannot hear anything else" kind of way.Exhibit A...
Showing off your best Halloween costume is totally fine. I get that. I use those from years past frequently in my profile pictures, and I feel like it shows people a little more about your personality and interests. Also, I really take some of my best photos when I'm in costume. I don't know why, it just happens. Regardless, I append this validation with a tiny, tiny footnote, which is: don't pick some scary-ass, death crazed, or remotely grotesque picture of yourself as the first thing people see!
When I see this bachelor's photo my honest-to-God immediate reaction is to nearly burst into tears from fear. I may have exclaimed, "AH!" very loudly when I first saw it. Maybe that has to do with the fact that you're dressed as one of the most merciless, unpredictable, and unstable human beings ever created for fiction, and maybe it has to do with the fact I'm mildly terrified of people in costume (Mickey Mouse, I love you, but please stay at least 10 feet from me or I may start to violently tremble). A little of both, I think. Regardless, no lady is going to see this and say, "Ooh, the Joker, bet he's a sane person that I can take home to mom." To go even further, why would you choose this particular photo in light of recent events? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I will go so far as to suggest that *no* picture is better than one like this. So don't start off on the wrong foot. The profile picture is the gateway to gaining traffic to your profile. Avoiding negative connotations will only increase the chances that someone will be interested enough to contact you back.
LESSON 2: Don't Use Other Chicks in Your Picture
A short lesson, but an important one -- especially for your main profile picture. I'm sorry, and correct me if I'm the only soul on the planet who does this, but when I see a a picture of a guy with a female that obviously isn't his mother in his main profile shot, I just assume it's his ex-girlfriend. Having made this assumption, there's a few nearly unconscious comparisons that routinely follow:- "How long ago was this?"
- "Is her face blurred?" (If so, there's a better chance that he is trying to simply use the picture rather than show off the "ex")
- "Is he really over this person?"
- "Is he still connected to them in any way?" and unfortunately
- "Is she prettier than me?"
LESSON 3: You're Kidding, Right?
A vague lesson title, to be sure. Only do the following if you want to be taken as a complete joke. And for this person's sake, I hope it is a joke.
I stopped looking mere seconds into my perusal when I noticed his screen name and self-summary. "Tigger?" You're like 28, guy. While Winnie the Pooh might have been your favorite childhood story or cartoon, it's best to disclose that information in the right setting. Say, when you've been on several dates with a girl. I would personally find that very endearing at that time. On the other hand, when you reference your love of the "t-i-double-guh-er" in your screen name, it leads me to believe you really haven't emotionally progressed past childhood. Would you represent yourself this way on a resume for potential employers? If not, you probably made the wrong decision in usernames.
Conversely, it does catch my eye when fellas have witty or humorous names. Most girls will tell you they like a sense of humor. Keep that up!
The Street Fighter-style Killer Combo comes in with this particular person on their self-summary. Uhm, what? You're an ASCII bunny... with a heart? Yes, that illuminates so much about you, please tell me more! Perhaps how your interests include an ASCII seal balancing a ball on its nose.
No. Just no. While the sensitive man is appreciated, a straight girl is not going to look at that sad ASCII bunny and say "Wow, he's so sweet and caring!" She's going to look at it and go, "Where's your information? I don't know shit about you." Honestly, you don't need to try overly hard to be witty or clever. We could have lots of things in common to talk about, but I wouldn't know that, because you decided to use an ASCII character where vital information could have been shared. You're not telling me why it should be worth my time to contact you.
No need to "FINISH HIM!" as this gentleman has clearly finished himself.
LESSON 4: On Animals
Puppies will get you everywhere. Cats: sometimes. Goldfish: ok, you're pushin' it. If there is any sense that a guy has a thing for cute, cuddly, and otherwise friendly animal species, I will give his profile at least a mild glance. Bonus points if you actually own a dog, cat, goldfish, hedgehog, etc. Put that shit in a profile picture because it's solid gold, motherfucker. I will look at that profile before every other one on the page because there's an animal involved. Although, this idea doesn't work the same with kids. That would be profile kryptonite (for those of us not ready to step into the Mom role).LESSON 5: You Are Not Slick, Slick
If you are a male seeking to put your "P" in a "V-Gee" without emotional entanglement, I humbly suggest you look for women who list that in their interests. Otherwise you are bound to find yourself answered with half-hearted messages or complete silence. Women, don't fall for this bullshit. I believe the literal translation of "hanging out" is "sexy naked times." I know; I've used it!
As my like-minded soul sister Jenna Marbles said,
"When you think you're such a hotshot for gettin' this girl to come home with you, and that you really wooed her, what really happened was that[...] she talked to three or 4 of her other girlfriends and was like 'Should I hook up with this guy? I dunno!' And they're all like 'Yeah you should do it! You should do it! You should do it!' 'You broke up with Jeremy and he was, like, such a jerk, you deserve to hook up with someone and not care about it.' It wasn't you, it was already decided amongst the girls."Sorry, horny, potential one night stands. Not only do we know what you're up to, and have discussed it at length amongst our friends, but we also get to make the call on whether or not we intend to follow through.
Basically, if you are looking for a serious relationship, or at least to pursue something beyond one night, I suggest (and this for both men and women) you avoid any combination of the above in both your messages and your profile.
Here dost the lesson end, good pupils. Class dismissed!
- N
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