Lighten the Mood, Bitch

Have no fear, friends.  In my hiatus post angst-ridden confessional, I have been diligently gathering fresh material from everyone's least favorite system of random encounters with the opposite sex.  I bring some gems to you now in all their gore- err, glory.

In the past few weeks, I have been contacted by extraterrestrials...

You seem fun. I've decided to take you to Mars with me. You wanna drive or navigate? =)

Apologies, E.T., but Mars is dreadful this time of year, how about I sit this one out?

I've also been contacted about participating in some weird, voyeuristic Mickey Mouse-tackling fetish...

Hey Dorothy(If you leftOz, but kept Toto, who does that make you?)[note: I'm pretty sure it still would make me Dorothy, dude] Do you want to go to Disneyland and tackle Mickey Mouse into the ground with me? It will be fun.

Just think how many people are going to be there taking a video of us and uploading it to YouTube. We could become internet stars. [bitchplz, I'm already an Internet sensash! Okay, Stupid what, whaaaat?]

I'm just messing with you. I would never do that, I love Mickey. [That fucker Goofy though...] I read your profile and I want to know more about you, specially[sic] if you're really a girl or just an empty account the website created to get guys to upgrade to "A-list" membership to message you once your inbox if full. How's your week going? Also, I can't pat my head and rub my stomach while hopping on one foot and reciting the alphabet backward, but I messaged anyway, because you can't control me. You're not my Mom. [Really? I hadn't noticed. Also, what's up with the sudden hostility?!]

Write back soon. I have more questions I want to ask [dear Jesus, no.]. If you don't write back, I know what that means. I'll probably look at your profile once more in a couple of days to hide you from my searches, no hard feelings here. ['...But fuck you for not talking to me!'] Good luck with your search.

Take care!

--- I Wanna Wear You As A Skin Suit While Having Acid Flashbacks*

*not his real name

You people need to stop contacting me after the drugs begin to take effect.  Points for excellent grammar (for the most part) though!  

...I bet you're a serial killer.

 

am not (in my twenties) ;\,, is that mean i cant msj you?

Maybe drunk messaging isn't the best bet, either.  No, bro, I'm pretty sure you can't "msj" me because there is no "j" in the word "message."

I've also come across the downright cringe-worthy: 

 

Anyone else wanna say "YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE?!" (Thank you, Mean Girls)

Really, though, that just makes me recoil. Why are you on this site then, Eeyore? Jesus, take your damn raincloud elsewhere.

I guess if this is the kind of thing I can look forward to this summer, I better invest in some decent quality alcohol.  Buckle up, kiddos, it's gonna be one helluva few months.

"OkStupid Customer Service, How May I Assist You?"

C & I have been sharing our (mis)adventures for several weeks now and the once light drizzle of feedback seems to be headed in the direction of "fucking Maelstrom."  Alright, I exaggerated a teeny bit there.  But things 'round these parts are at a steady downpour of communication, and we couldn't thank you all enough for that.  Keep reading and sharing with others if you like what you see, or even if you don't.  After all, you can't rightly call yourself a blog until you're had your first official flame, can you?

In an unexpected twist of events, I also personally find myself a newly crowned dating guru.  I don't know if it's the fact that I'm overly opinionated, or blunt to the point of indecency, but I appreciate the questions.  I plan to answer them honestly, frequently, and with the least amount of bitterness I can muster.  However, girlfriends (and boyfriends), I'm not gonna sugar-coat my advice for you.  We can all do that for ourselves, it's called "denial."  Either you will listen to what I say, consider it, and make some decision, or you will do whatever the hell you wanted to do anyway.  Ultimately, the decision's all on you; I would only be doing you a disservice if I didn't give you an opinion with what I consider to be a modicum of sense.

Perhaps this understanding must be established before I relate to you the following tale.

A friend, whom we will call "Randy," approached me with the following quandary on That Other Site for Scoping Out the Singles Meat Market (no, not MySpace)...

Randy
Being a fan of your blog i have to ask a question

N
yup?

Randy
let me ask, is it ok(cupid, ha ha!) to casually insult a girl in the first message?

N
no
why would that be ok?

Randy
well, it would be like a joke...kind of...now that i'm typing it, I fell foolish.
(...)well, it's not a flat out insult. Lemme explain. I'd say something along the lines of 'I thought we'd be a good match because we both have big heads.' This is bad..nevermind.

N
the one exception, is if it's something they have mentioned themselves, and you casually say something SMALL regarding the particular item
Example: If I say "oh god I have the biggest hair ever! AGH what a mess!" in my profile, you can say "So how to you maintain that lion's mane of yours?"
...Also I made that up. No one has ever said that to me

Randy
In my defense!...this girl's head...tis pretty large.

N
This is why we have a blog

Dating PSA of the Day: Don't insult your gal in the first message. As I told Randy during our conversation, we're not on a grade school playground.  Performing the verbal equivalent of pushing a girl down into the dirt and pulling her pigtails will only increase the odds of you not getting a response.  Why would any woman worth your time (men, I'm speaking to you) put up with being insulted upon first contact?  If I read that, I would personally think, "Wow, what a dick" and never reply.

This is why I constantly stress not trying to be too funny -- just be yourself!  And, as I mentioned, keep it small.  An offhand remark that does not directly reference a characteristic in a negative light typically comes off fine.  However, I suggest saving that trick is for the advanced learners out there.

My intention of adding reader comments to the blog is not to deter anyone from asking questions.  In fact, the opposite is true.  I welcome response and inquiry with open arms!  And please understand I recognize the difference between being cruel or brusque and actual tact.  No friends were harmed in the creation of this PSA.  I simply think you should know what you're in for.