I'll Teach You A Lesson You Won't Soon Forget

Constructing your online dating profile is an art form unto itself.  Constant refining and perfecting is not only necessary, but essential if you want to stay in the game.  However, wanting to fully represent yourself and amplifying that desire by the power of The Internet™ lulls people into sharing details about themselves that should probably only be brought up after the fourth or fifth date, and not with the entire world.  (Do I need to know you have a thing for girls with long toes and enjoy someone whipping you while being referred to as "Schnookums?"  No.  Not really. From a personal standpoint, probably never.)

As if trying to present yourself as a unique individual were not already a daunting enough task, you have to consider outside viewpoints.  From the casual profile browser's view, there are a few things that tip us off reeeeeal fast that you're just a bit too... "you."  Remember: sharing is caring, but silence is golden.  Don't post anything that's going to have the refs (not the dumbass temp ones brought in from high school or college games, mind you, the professionals) throwing the yellow flag on your play.

Thus, here is the subject of today's post:  What not to include vs. What to highlight in your online dating profile.  This topic may have been discussed multiple times in a multitude of articles, but I'm here to give you the real inside scoop, from a straight lady's perspective.  To that end, I've brought visual aids and examples.  Get ready, because school is in session, and there may be a pop quiz.

 

LESSON 1: Don't Scare the Hell Out of People

You would think this goes without saying.  Alas, not everyone is up on this little tidbit. Sometimes you fellas share or post details that are mildly terrifying. Not in a "sexy-dangerous, Rebel Without A Cause way," but in that "alarm bells are ringing so loudly in my head I cannot hear anything else" kind of way.

Exhibit A...

In the words of my Sassy Gay Friend (shout out to you, Brian Gallivan), "What, what, WHAT are you doing?!"

Showing off your best Halloween costume is totally fine.  I get that.  I use those from years past frequently in my profile pictures, and I feel like it shows people a little more about your personality and interests.  Also, I really take some of my best photos when I'm in costume.  I don't know why, it just happens.  Regardless, I append this validation with a tiny, tiny footnote, which is: don't pick some scary-ass, death crazed, or remotely grotesque picture of yourself as the first thing people see!

When I see this bachelor's photo my honest-to-God immediate reaction is to nearly burst into tears from fear.  I may have exclaimed, "AH!" very loudly when I first saw it.  Maybe that has to do with the fact that you're dressed as one of the most merciless, unpredictable, and unstable human beings ever created for fiction, and maybe it has to do with the fact I'm mildly terrified of people in costume (Mickey Mouse, I love you, but please stay at least 10 feet from me or I may start to violently tremble).  A little of both, I think.  Regardless, no lady is going to see this and say, "Ooh, the Joker, bet he's a sane person that I can take home to mom."  To go even further, why would you choose this particular photo in light of recent events?  Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.  I will go so far as to suggest that *no* picture is better than one like this.  So don't start off on the wrong foot.  The profile picture is the gateway to gaining traffic to your profile.  Avoiding negative connotations will only increase the chances that someone will be interested enough to contact you back.

 

LESSON 2: Don't Use Other Chicks in Your Picture

A short lesson, but an important one -- especially for your main profile picture.  I'm sorry, and correct me if I'm the only soul on the planet who does this, but when I see a a picture of a guy with a female that obviously isn't his mother in his main profile shot, I just assume it's his ex-girlfriend.  Having made this assumption, there's a few nearly unconscious comparisons that routinely follow:

• "How long ago was this?"
• "Is her face blurred?" (If so, there's a better chance that he is trying to simply use the picture rather than show off the "ex")
• "Is he really over this person?"
• "Is he still connected to them in any way?" and unfortunately
• "Is she prettier than me?"

You may unintentionally be cutting yourself short of eligible ladies and not even know it.  They may think there is still some emotional connection and are unwilling to step in a giant puddle of drama, or they could assume there's no conceivable way they could measure up to this person in your mind, so why bother with a message?  Who knows, there could have been a great girl out there who took one look at your photo and decided not to contact you.  It's a fact that our own personal insecurities work against us.  In order to avoid rejection, us girls will sidestep that profile in search of more promising, and possibly less complicated, options.  So, again, I reiterate: avoid negative (or misleading) connotations with your profile picture.

 

LESSON 3: You're Kidding, Right?

A vague lesson title, to be sure.  Only do the following if you want to be taken as a complete joke.  And for this person's sake, I hope it is a joke.

WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  While this gentleman followed Lessons 1 and 2, he fails on almost every other count.  I will be honest, I did choose to browse his profile based solely on the combination of a great profile picture and a high match percentage.  You'll have to take my word on the former.

I stopped looking mere seconds into my perusal when I noticed his screen name and self-summary.  "Tigger?" You're like 28, guy.  While Winnie the Pooh might have been your favorite childhood story or cartoon, it's best to disclose that information in the right setting.  Say, when you've been on several dates with a girl.  I would personally find that very endearing at that time.  On the other hand, when you reference your love of the "t-i-double-guh-er" in your screen name, it leads me to believe you really haven't emotionally progressed past childhood.  Would you represent yourself this way on a resume for potential employers?  If not, you probably made the wrong decision in usernames.

Conversely, it does catch my eye when fellas have witty or humorous names.  Most girls will tell you they like a sense of humor.  Keep that up!

The Street Fighter-style Killer Combo comes in with this particular person on their self-summary.  Uhm, what?  You're an ASCII bunny... with a heart?  Yes, that illuminates so much about you, please tell me more!  Perhaps how your interests include an ASCII seal balancing a ball on its nose.

No.  Just no.  While the sensitive man is appreciated, a straight girl is not going to look at that sad ASCII bunny and say "Wow, he's so sweet and caring!"  She's going to look at it and go, "Where's your information?  I don't know shit about you."  Honestly, you don't need to try overly hard to be witty or clever.  We could have lots of things in common to talk about, but I wouldn't know that, because you decided to use an ASCII character where vital information could have been shared.  You're not telling me why it should be worth my time to contact you.

No need to "FINISH HIM!" as this gentleman has clearly finished himself.

 

LESSON 4:  On Animals

Puppies will get you everywhere.  Cats: sometimes.  Goldfish: ok, you're pushin' it.  If there is any sense that a guy has a thing for cute, cuddly, and otherwise friendly animal species, I will give his profile at least a mild glance.  Bonus points if you actually own a dog, cat, goldfish, hedgehog, etc.  Put that shit in a profile picture because it's solid gold, motherfucker.  I will look at that profile before every other one on the page because there's an animal involved.  Although, this idea doesn't work the same with kids.  That would be profile kryptonite (for those of us not ready to step into the Mom role).

 

LESSON 5:  You Are Not Slick, Slick

Typical.  The portrait's pose, the indefinite-but-suggestive message, the "new in town" line...  We have your number, fellas.  These cliches are all a dead give away for your real intentions.  While I'm flattered you find me attractive, good sir, you would see that casual hook-ups are not what I'm looking for had you chosen to look at my profile for more than five seconds.

If you are a male seeking to put your "P" in a "V-Gee" without emotional entanglement, I humbly suggest you look for women who list that in their interests.  Otherwise you are bound to find yourself answered with half-hearted messages or complete silence.  Women, don't fall for this bullshit.  I believe the literal translation of "hanging out" is "sexy naked times."  I know;  I've used it!

As my like-minded soul sister Jenna Marbles said,

"When you think you're such a hotshot for gettin' this girl to come home with you, and that you really wooed her, what really happened was that[...] she talked to three or 4 of her other girlfriends and was like 'Should I hook up with this guy?  I dunno!' And they're all like 'Yeah you should do it! You should do it!  You should do it!' 'You broke up with Jeremy and he was, like, such a jerk, you deserve to hook up with someone and not care about it.'  It wasn't you, it was already decided amongst the girls."

Sorry, horny, potential one night stands.  Not only do we know what you're up to, and have discussed it at length amongst our friends, but we also get to make the call on whether or not we intend to follow through.

Basically, if you are looking for a serious relationship, or at least to pursue something beyond one night, I suggest (and this for both men and women) you avoid any combination of the above in both your messages and your profile.

Here dost the lesson end, good pupils.  Class dismissed!

- N

This Guy Was the Michael Phelps of the Bad Date Olympics

[DISCLAIMER] I know this is absurdly long, but this is seriously the Titanic of dates. Please bear with me.

Oh, C...  I will see your "bad" first date, and raise you a "truly awful and masochistic experience of fundamentally soul-crushing proportions" (mine as much as his).  With all due respect to your post's title, as my life coach Tina Fey writes in Bossypants, "'Oh, it's like that motherfucker?'"

Gather 'round, kiddies, and let Auntie N regale you with tales of self-inflicted torment.  Dating: a truly magical experience.

This particular bachelor, who we'll call "HoneyBadger1243."  Why?  'Cause HoneyBadger don't give a shit... about how he is actually supposed to treat someone he intends to see more than once.  Or at least me.  I'm not really the "hit it and quit it" type.

I met HoneyBadger1243 through everyone's favorite free online dating site.  There was the usual exchange of e-mails meant to assess whether or not the other would be worthwhile meeting in reality.  Once it was established neither of us experienced psychotic episodes on a daily basis, HB asked for my number and said he would contact me after the weekend.  I was so game.

That Monday, I awaited his call all day.  Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, squat, etc.  Then, at 10:30 that night, when I'm running down my nightly list of "To Read" blogs and websites, he texts me.  To be very clear on this point: never, ever, EVER text to initially set up your rendezvous.  It's just tacky and frankly makes you look like a coward.  So we're on shaky ground already, when he asks "Oh... did you want me to pick you up?"  Call me old-fashioned, but the sincere offer to do so is appreciated and courteous.  Be a gentleman, not a douchebag, guys.  I brush it off.  Not everyone was raised with the same etiquette as myself, and it would be a long way to go back across town when he lived between me and our chosen date spot to begin with.  The hiccup is settled by deciding to have me meet at his house, and he will drive from that point forward.

Everything is established for Saturday night.  Although, I begin having more doubts about my would-be suitor as the week progresses.  Communicating through the ambiguity of text would have been difficult had he had something witty, sarcastic, or even mildly flirtatious, to say.  Exchanging humorous banter with the possibility of miscommunication was not a problem.  With complete sincerity he directed me to a comedienne he claimed was "hilarious!" and "so good I just recorded her whole show on Comedy Central."  Wanting to discover if said act was worthwhile, I checked her out.  If you think wildly uncomfortable, crude, and unsettling humor is funny, this gal is for you, friends.  Don't get me wrong, I love a good round of pussy/penis/fart/poop jokes as much as anyone, but... This was just sad.  Painful and sad.  I felt bad for this woman, rather than being amused.  Confidence in this guy's chemistry with me?  Mmm, less than inspired at this point.

Some of you may ask "Why are you even still going out with this guy if you feel this way?"  Good question, One Reader.  Well, I did something you should never do: force yourself out there because you feel obligated in some manner.  For various reasons, I was feeling like "getting back on the horse" meant "go out with people you may feel complete disinterest in."  In my effort to be open-minded, I started smoking the unabated-optimism-and-ignoring-my-better-judgement crack pipe.  It was some good shit.  And I strongly suggest you never, ever take a hit.  Follow that instinct of yours!  If it says "run like hell" you RUN. LIKE. HELL.  Don't force yourself to go out there just because you feel you "must" due to some warped sense of responsibility.  Yet, there I was wondering how much worse could this guy get?  Surely he was more engaging in person.

I had my answer soon enough.  Saturday came and I met up with some friends before HoneyBadger and I were slated head to a theater in the park date.   HoneyBadger finally, FINALLY, calls me during the BBQ!  Only took 'til the night of the date for that one.

"Do you have a sleeping bag?"
Concern.  Confusion. Slight panic. "...N-no...?"
"You know, for sitting on the ground in the park.  No?  Well, never mind, I'm right by my aunt's and she's got one anyway.  But you should bring some pillows."  Oh good, he didn't want to sleep at my house or something.  Seriously, I wasn't putting anything past this guy.
"Uhm, ok.  I can do that, I guess."
"Ok, thanks, see you soon!"
"Yeah, bye?"

Yes, he was actually just being THAT lazy.  He didn't want to stop on his way home to pick up the materials for the date he asked me on.  Not much later, I left the BBQ to make myself presentable for what I had a sneaking suspicion would be a trainwreck of an evening.  The ol' "get back in the game" mentality was prevailing.

But -- oh wait!  What's this?  We're back to texting because HoneyBadger1243 can't communicate like an actual adult?  Color me surprised!

"You wouldn't, like, need to eat something would you?" (Yes.  My date just asked me if I needed to have dinner during the evening Theater in the Park performance he chose.)
"Well, seeing as and it's just after lunchtime now, and I probably won't have time to eat after going home to clean up, we can share a little something?"
"Maybe you can come by earlier and we can swing by Trader Joe's together?"
"I can try, but I'm not sure I can push our date too much earlier."

After wrestling with my closet and working out something suitable, doing my hair, make up, and  all the other shit that ladies take time and effort for, I realize I'm not going to make it in time for Trader Joe's.  I let HoneyBadger1243 know.

"If you wanted to go without me, I'm sure that would be fine.  I'm so sorry for running late!"
"Thanks for letting me know!  I'll see what I can do."
A pause from him.  Then, "I can get some really good cheese pizza from the place at the end of my block.  Oh, and can you bring a bottle of wine?"
Cheese pizza in the park?  Not the best date food.  I could foresee a melty pile of cheese goo being unintentionally slopped into my lap.  As nice as the offer was,  it just presented far more problems than it solved.
"Uhm, I think I'm good with just the water I'm bringing and some wine."
"Oh, sure.  Cool."

The drive went by fast, even though I was regretting my decision to go through with this date the entire way over.  The phrase "benefit of the doubt" was my new mantra.

I parked and called HoneyBadger from in front of his complex.  To him, the phrase "be right down" is interchangeable with "let me leave you waiting outside for five to 10 minutes."  When he finally did come down, I was able to give him a thorough once over.  This gentleman decided dressing to impress would be too cliche, and instead opted for a pair of ratty khaki cargo shorts and a faded blue polo.  I'm so glad I put in the effort for you, sir.

"Wow, you look nice!"  Thanks.  I know.  Because I tried.

We took off for his office, which is right near the park.  Unfortunately, he didn't check to see if there were any events using his lot, which, of course, was the case.  The parking attendant, a stern looking Latino gentleman at least two times this kid's age, met us and laid down the law.  HB could not park at this complex unless he paid $10 and was out by midnight.  And we were now officially late for our show.

This was the moment he lost me.  Right here at the entrance of the parking garage.  HB was completely indignant and pissy to the point he started spouting off at the attendant about how he's an employee, they can't treat him this way, this is outrageous, "you must let me in, here's my badge!"  Other attendants started coming over to calm him down.  I am not only pissed off for his treatment of the attendant, but personally mortified that I am now forever associated with him in this guy's mind.

I wholeheartedly subscribe to the adage that "a person who is nice to you, but is not nice to the waiter is not a nice person."  We were done.  I had mentally checked out at this point.  Now how to extricate myself without causing an even bigger scene?  (By the by, just make that fucking scene, people!  It's not nearly as bad as staying on the Date from Hell!)  Guess who stayed?  Yep.  Granted, this decision was partially propelled by the masochistic urge to see exactly how much WORSE things could get, but I still desperately needed to devise an escape plan.  FAST.

After switching parking complexes and persuading another attendant to let us park for the requisite $10, we bolted for the park.  Not only were we incredibly late, but also every available space seemed to have been taken.  HB and I ended up all the way in the back, unable to see.  I immediately lunged for my wine.

Then HB decided that this was the perfect time to deploy his First Date Conversation Arsenal.  These topics included (but were not limited to) depressing family history, traumatic loss of close friendships over the last year, and... the dreaded exes.  Yes, he brought up the ex conversation on the first date.  More wine was mandatory.

Around 10:00 PM, having exhausted all uncomfortable topics of conversation, HB decides to ask me if we should leave, not being able to see the performance as it was.  It was all I could do not to scream "YES!!" in his face.

Afterward, back at my car -- no, he never offered to grab dinner somewhere with me -- we said our good nights.  I admit I was at fault for not just shutting him down verbally right then.  I'm terrible at that.  I want too badly to be nice to people.  I honestly believe he's a very sweet person that is just completely clueless.  However, I regretted these sympathetic feelings when I had to shut him down on the good night kiss.  Not once...  Nooooot twice...  BUT THREE SOLID TIMES.  THREE.  Two more than should ever be necessary for anyone to get the hint.

Then, he was gone.  I was relieved.  There may have been a happy dance.

Oh thank God it was over!  It was done!  He got the cheek three times.  How could anyone think things were going well after that?  I was never going to hear from him again and I was elated.

...Or so I thought.  HB was a persistent little bugger; persistent and hopelessly unable to read the signs.  He texted me the next day (again with the texting!) to ask if he could see me again.  This time I decided the kindest way to let him down was to not respond, rather than say something unkind.  I didn't want to hurt him unnecessarily, but I also just... wanted the situation to go away.  There was the High Road and there was the Chickenshit Road.  I took the latter.

This didn't phase my suitor.  He followed up his text a day later with the following email:

"Hey N,

Hope you a had a good rest of the weekend. I had texted you to see if you wanted to hang out again, but haven't heard back from you yet...so not sure if you're still interested in going out again. I think you are smart, funny and gorgeous and would really love to go out with you again and have a hassle-free date this time. You probably saw me at my most stressed. I really had been looking forward to meeting you all week and wanted to plan something that was going to be fun....so when things started to get hectic, I think I got more stressed out than normal and let the circumstances affect me the rest of the night b/c I was just disappointed that I couldn't show you a better time.

I completely understand if you didn't feel a connection with me or just don't want to go out again. I guess I just want to let you know that I think you are a great girl and how happy I would be to get another chance to go out with you and start fresh. No parks, I promise ... HB" 

It was a very sweet and sincere email, but I just could not imagine going through a similar date experience again with this person.  There was just absolutely no attraction on my end.  I decided I needed to close the book on this and just let him down as easy as I could.  I hit "Reply" that night after careful editing and consideration.  I mean, he said right there that he would understand if I didn't want to go out again.  He would totally get how I felt, right?

"Hi HB,

I apologize for just now getting back to you.  It's been a couple of very long days for me.  I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to pull together what you thought sounded like a really fantastic date.  I definitely don't hold any of what happened, in terms of unforeseen circumstances and stressors, against you.  Things just happen.  If anyone can understand that sentiment, it's me.

You are an incredibly generous person and I did enjoy your conversation.  However, I think that maybe we are not the best-suited match romantically speaking.  I feel truly horrid if I have led you on.  I do think you're a great person and I sincerely wish you all the best.  I hope you understand.

Regards,
N"

I felt good about that message.  We were not suited for each other, I did feel terrible, and I openly asked him to move on.  Imagine my surprise when I found the next message in my Inbox two full days later.

"So there's no way I could persuade you to come with me to the Hollywood Bowl on Sunday night :)"

Did... Did he just try to bribe me?  With a date?  And after I stated I was not a match romantically, and uninterested in pursuing things further?  Yep.  Yep, he did.  What kind of horrible person accepts a date as a bribe?!  "I was so not feeling things before, but now that you're paying...!"

Enough was enough.  He needed a swift response that said I was not playing around.

"I don't think that is even remotely a good idea.  Nor should you want to go out with the kind of person who is otherwise uninterested, but would still accept your offer."

He was, let's say, less than thrilled.

"Alright then. Didn't realize you were 150% uninterested...thanks for the life lesson though."

And that was that.  Done.  I had ripped the band aid off the scabbed-over wound that was my Saturday night date.  Praise to the sweet baby Jesus!  Hallelujah!

Now, I'm not saying you must provide the things this date lacked on every occasion. Simply remember that it's about context.  If HB had suggested the pizza after we discussed the best pies we had ever eaten in L.A., I would have reacted differently.  At the very least, if you're asking someone out, make sure they know they're special; not just another way to pass your evening (with the potential of getting laid).  If you think they're worth more than five minutes of your day, show them.  I don't know about y'all, but time is my most precious gift.  And I am not wasting such a valuable resource on people who don't deserve it.  Words are great, actions are better.   Also, for the love of God, please don't overreact when things start going screwy, just flow with it.  Your date will appreciate your ability to figure things out when events start going awry.  Besides, it's more about the person than the actual events of the date anyway.

Always treat others with respect - end of story.  Whether it's your date, your waiter, or the guy who stepped on your toe in line at the grocery store, your deeds in front of your potential boyfriend or girlfriend are noticed.  We can't help judging based on how we see others being treated, as unfair as it sounds.  It's human nature.

Finally, take a Goddamn hint from us ladies.  Please.

Now what have I learned about myself?  Not to force myself to go through with something my better judgement dictates I should not.  To follow my instinct when the occasion calls for it.  I will never again suffer through an agonizing experience like that, regardless of how good a tale it makes later.

You know, HB told me he dated his ex for a year and a half.  A YEAR AND A HALF!  My first thought was "oh God that poor woman!  How did she put up with this for so long?"  Then, I realized I was sitting there doing the exact same thing.  That I had done the exact same thing in so many situations and relationships past, and for far too long.  "Just ok" is not good enough.  You deserve better than "good enough."  You deserve someone who makes you happy and doesn't just shill out the bare minimum of their effort to keep you around.  Believe me when I say that being dealt that little and convincing yourself it's totally fine will only make you miserable.  If someone can't bother to take the time to learn what makes you tick or express any shred of common decency, don't spend more than two minutes with them, let alone a year or more.

It's not about A person, it's about THE RIGHT person.

Also, don't chase after someone who clearly doesn't want anything to do with you, it's wasting the time you could be spending with someone far better.  Even "4% uninterested" qualifies as "uninterested."  Find the person that is 100% -- 1,000%! 10,000%!-- interested.

When you have that right person, horrible incidents and stressful dates don't matter, because you know that even if your evening plans are sinking faster than a turd in a toilet bowl, at least you two can laugh about it later.

- N

[UPDATE 11/06/12]  A new IM sent at approximately 4:30 PM

HoneyBadger1243: Hey Rachel, how have ya been?

Need I say more?

I'll Show You a Bad First Date

This is a story about one of the worst first dates I have ever had. It was so bad that I gave my number to another guy while still on the date. HEY. Put that judgmental face away - not only was this date THAT bad, but this guy truly deserved it.


Around this time last year I was setting up a first date with a super hot - I mean SUPER FREAKING HOT - gentleman, let's call him Vikram . Let me tell you why:
1. He was hot, his four OKCupid picture told me so
2. He was going to law school - he told me so and some facebook stalking confirmed it
3. His messages were witty, sweet and engaging.
4. He was hot. Seriously.

We decided on a Saturday night date....and then my school's football game got pushed back four hours. After debating over several different ideas, I finally told him that instead of going out for drinks and missing my game, I would love to go to a bar and watch my school's football game with him (I bleed cardinal and gold).  He told me that he loved football and it was the perfect idea. We planned on meeting at the bar during halftime. I went early in order to catch the entire game, like I was only going to watch the second half, puuuhhllease.

When I got to the bar there was only one other fan of my school there (some thirty something named Dave) and of course we were immediate friends. We were so engrossed in the game that I didn't even notice that Vikram was over 30 minutes late. When I finally realized this, his dazzling good looks erased any potential annoyance I had. He bought me a drink, as every gentlemen should, and we started to chit chat about the game.

Here are the things I learned about Vikram:
1. He is male
2. He has absolutely no interest in football
3. He doesn't seem to have any opinions about anything
4. He doesn't like making eye contact
5. No personality
6. No sense of when he should give up

Getting this guy to utter single syllable sentences was like getting me to eat shellfish - impossible. He had nothing to say. Nothing to say about football - the game he claimed to love, nothing to say about the classes he was taking at law school, and when I asked him what his favorite beer was he replied "whatever's on tap."

WHAT!? That's not a thing. Your favorite beer cannot be "whatever's on tap." That's just stupid. And this was all within the first thirty minutes. Thirty minutes into this date I knew I never wanted to spend another minute with this guy.

There was still an hour left of the game.

I spent the next hour avoiding speaking with Vikram while Dave and I enjoyed the game. When the game was over (and Vikram still didn't seem to get how badly this "date" was going), Dave asked me for my number. Right in front of my mono-syllabic date. I looked right in Vikram's eyes and then into Dave's.

I had no interest in ever dating Dave. In any other circumstance...literally ANY OTHER I would not have given my number away. But this time, I felt such a power to show this doofus that he has missed out on a desirable lady. So I took Dave's phone and put my number right in there. On the way out to our cars, Vikram gave me a hug and a smile and said "We should do this again! I'll call you."

I replied with a simple "Please, don't" and walked away as fast as I could.

Your Writing Makes You Sound Like You Have a Penis

'How is this possible?' you might ask, and rightly so.  Well, it would appear that my general personality and demeanor has officially proved what science (and my mother's doctors) could not: I am a dude.

At least, that's what some poor, confused soul out there would have his friend, chi-000, think.  Yes, I know it's confusing when ladies use things like wit and humor to convey their personality (What? Women have those?!), as well as expressing a general interest in intellectual 'Man-Things,' but if I were to challenge you to a pissing contest, sir, I would officially lose.

"So here I am looking at your profile, thinking, 'hmm... this girl seems cool', when my friend looks over and says that your profile was clearly written by a guy and is fake. He says it says all the right things and everything a guy would want to hear.

I obviously disagreed, said you were real and took your side, so we bet $20.

Am I gonna lose?"

This is the most backhanded compliment I have ever received in my life.  And what are you doing on OKC when your friend is over?  You two need better hobbies.  Thanks for taking my side, though.  Maybe you can just pay me the $20 for not only proving your friend false, chi-000, but also proving that you are an idiot who has no idea how to approach women.

I understand the internet is sketchy -- Ye GODS do I understand that one! -- but the best way to attract others is to represent yourself as truthfully as possible.  And this illustrates my main point: if you are going to falsify information, lie, or otherwise fib about who you are in order to attract a mate, your relationship will fail.  It's not you they're falling for; it's this made up version of you that must be meticulously maintained in order to keep the other person's interest.

Dating is already enough work with having to weed through all the shit to find something substantial.  Why not just make it easier and be yourself?  There's someone out there that will like you just for being you (as touchy-feely-fuzzy-cheesy as it sounds).

...and that's still not a guy,  just to make that clear.  In case the "pissing contest" reference didn't come off.

- N

Flirty Blue Vegetables

There's no feeling on earth quite like that of receiving your first truly bizarre online dating message.  Those first moments of reading what some actual human being has spent time crafting and revising in order to attract your attention as a potential mate are so very dear.  Usually, a girl can tell within the first two sentences and a quick glimpse at your profile picture whether she's interested.  Past those first two sentences is all on you.  And if you happen to be completely batshit crazy... Well, let's just say that tends to become apparent rather fast.

For instance, let's take a quick peek at my first message, from a bachelor we'll call "Mr. Blue."  Oh, Mr. Blue... I cherish this message more than you will ever know.

"Very Intriguing
Hi! How do you feel today?  Im Jeffery and I'm interested in you as a person. Lets be friends on a platonic foundation. You sound like a girl with character and a great personality which is rare and unique. You're open minded with impeccable physiognomies and to be explicit you have beautiful cheekbones and facial symmetry, the cutest nose and luscious lips as well as perfectly shaped eyebrows. I must say your beauty is natural. And you skin so so luminous hmmm! You must be taking your antioxidants LOL! Well Me in a nutshell I'm openminded, energetic, affectionate but not clingy, laidback, outgoing, empathetic, down to earth, loyal, considerate and respectful person who loves to laugh and have a good time and treat people how I want to be treated. im the easiest person to get along with because i have humility and admit my own faults. I know when im wrong and will correct when necessary and nothing works without compromise so how much easier does it get when you have an individual with a positive attitude. Also last but not least I have common sense, which is not common. Overall Im a well balanced person. Im really interested to know more about you, so if you want someone who's confident, calm, and graceful send me a message."

In the interest of this blog being educational as well as entertaining, I will say that there are several good points about this message.  However, those are by far eclipsed by the odd attributes he chooses to compliment about me and himself.  Also, sorry, the horrible grammatical structure is really not doing you any favors.  I honestly feel like Jeffrey/Blue was sitting there with a thesaurus in his lap as he wrote this.  And the personality traits he claims to possess even oppose each other.  I mean, the "what the f*ck?"-ness of this message is astounding.  And I didn't know one could be friends without starting on a platonic foundation.  Normally, that's how I like to start my friendships, at least.

I did eventually respond to Mr. Blue.  Admittedly it took me several days of careful consideration to craft the best response.  I think you'll agree the following was the clearly the best option...

"You're my boy, Blue! You're my boy!"

Perhaps Mr. Blue could have tried the following tactic and been a bit more straightforward, much like MrRight5xx.

"I want to flirt with you :D what's your favorite vegetable?"

You know how I know you have no game, sir?  You have to declare your desire to flirt with me. Ur doin it wrongz.  While MrRight's enthusiasm is plainly evident from the Big Smile Emoticon, I feel like I'm not reaching too far by saying that "what's your favorite vegetable?" is not at all a sexy, flirtatious question.

Lessons to take away: be sincere.  Don't slap compliments on messages to just to have something to say.  It actually has the opposite effect of making you look insincere.  Also, when describing yourself, pick two or three of your best qualities to highlight.  "Graceful" not being one of them.  Unless you happen to be a male ballet dancer.  Which would be pretty damn impressive.  Do not state things that can be readily deduced.  Really try to be concise when contacting your potential match, but make it clear you have some sort of idea about who they are (i.e. - you perused their profile at least a little).  Finally, know that a Big Smiley Emoticon does not actually compensate for your lack of tact.

Party Girl

One of my favorite things about online dating is the ability to mock (or drool over) the photos that guys choose to portray themselves. Every few months I update my own, and as it happens some of the best photos of me tend to be taken in Vegas. And I'm assuming that is the reason for this super awkward message I recieved:

"I gather you party...alot

-Ergogen"

ummmmmm, what? Time to be honest -I have 2...TWO photos of me "partying." I'm not a party girl, mostly because I generally detest clubs and would rather sit in a pub and play shuffleboard than spend money to dance with creepos. Chataeu Marmont, I'm talking to you. Also most of my profile talks about what a nerd I am, how much I like to nap and generally not leave my house. So no Ergogen, I don't party...nor do I have any interest in partying wwith you.

-C

Sexy Model Leg Muscles

I've saved up some great messages from this summer. Here are a few of my favorites:


"Clever engaging opening.
Complement regarding you looks an ability to express yourself.
Brilliant insight that impresses you.
Invitation to meet over some type of beverage.
Engaging signature.
 
E"

First up, we have  "E," who -- if he had read my profile at all -- would know that I'm looking for people between the ages of 25 and 30.  Somehow, I feel "50" just isn't in that age range.  Call me crazy, but my first grade teacher taught me to count to 100, and I'm still relatively certain "50" is not between "25 and 30."  Also, this is probably the LAZIEST email I have EVER read.  Instead of actually talking about what you're saying, why not say it?  It's so boring as well I think I fell asleep halfway through.
Also... FIFTY.

or this:

"how do I earn the right to caress your leg muscles?"

Second up we have "MoxA."  Not to be confused with "MoxB."  You know, you hear stories about crazy fetishes, but I don't think even I can comprehend this one.  I will never look at a massage the same way again.  I will also avoid having anyone that remotely resembles MoxA touching my legs.  What the hell.

and this:

"July 22nd:
hey sexy do you model?
 
38 minutes ago:
hey sexy do you model?"


Lastly, we have Dave000.  Oh Dave.  Really, let's just call him "Dave of the Creative Username." Dave has trouble coming up with things to say to women.  Or at least it appears that way from the two times he's attempted to contact me.  Point 1: I'm 5'4"... and curvy.  Point 2: I literally just said to you what I did for a living in my profile.  Didn't read it, Dave?  Yeah, I figured.  Way to show off that fact!  That's totally going to sell me on you.  Point 3:  You forgot to check your IM history.  Remember that one time you asked me back on July 22nd and I didn't respond?  No?  Didn't think so.

-N

Sorry I'm Not Sorry

I've been a casual online dater for about 2 years. It started as a drunken joke because I never had enough time to date...then I actually didn't have time to fit meeting other people into my 70 hour work week.
Now, in those two years I've seen a lot of things, a lot of different guys and ALOT of different messages. And so have my friends who have joined me in my Don Quixote quest to find someone to love (I'm sorry did I say love? I mean someone who isn't a total dick). Yes, I understand that as ladies trolling the internet we are expected to recieve some interesting messages, but c'mon. Here, my friends and I plan to entertain you with the creepy, weird, off-putting and strange messages we recieve on various dating sites and then some stories about the guys we went out with and who failed miserably.


Many of these guys come off as nice, sweet and easy-going dudes that we girls might want to date. And then there are the ones who send messages like this:

"Hi. One question. Are you a human being or just a bot the site created so guys would sign in?

Just kidding. My name is Juan Carlos. I didn't really know how to start a conversation, so this is what I came up with. How are you?"

 

One answer Juan Carlos: no I'm not a fucking robot. I don't know what to be more worried about, that he called me a robot or that he outright said he couldn't think of anything better to say. Dude, if you would have just said "Hi, how are you?" you had a chance of me replying. But calling a woman a robot is not sexy, not funny and not going to get you a date.

 

Nor is this message:

 

"If you're curious, message me back."

 

Sorry, "BigBen" I'm not curious. And I'm not sorry.

 

-C