Sunday, October 21, 2012

"OkStupid Customer Service, How May I Assist You?"

C & I have been sharing our (mis)adventures for several weeks now and the once light drizzle of feedback seems to be headed in the direction of "fucking Maelstrom."  Alright, I exaggerated a teeny bit there.  But things 'round these parts are at a steady downpour of communication, and we couldn't thank you all enough for that.  Keep reading and sharing with others if you like what you see, or even if you don't.  After all, you can't rightly call yourself a blog until you're had your first official flame, can you?

In an unexpected twist of events, I also personally find myself a newly crowned dating guru.  I don't know if it's the fact that I'm overly opinionated, or blunt to the point of indecency, but I appreciate the questions.  I plan to answer them honestly, frequently, and with the least amount of bitterness I can muster.  However, girlfriends (and boyfriends), I'm not gonna sugar-coat my advice for you.  We can all do that for ourselves, it's called "denial."  Either you will listen to what I say, consider it, and make some decision, or you will do whatever the hell you wanted to do anyway.  Ultimately, the decision's all on you; I would only be doing you a disservice if I didn't give you an opinion with what I consider to be a modicum of sense.

Perhaps this understanding must be established before I relate to you the following tale.

A friend, whom we will call "Randy," approached me with the following quandary on That Other Site for Scoping Out the Singles Meat Market (no, not MySpace)...

Randy
Being a fan of your blog i have to ask a question

N
yup?

Randy
let me ask, is it ok(cupid, ha ha!) to casually insult a girl in the first message?

N
no
why would that be ok?

Randy
well, it would be like a joke...kind of...now that i'm typing it, I fell foolish.
(...)well, it's not a flat out insult. Lemme explain. I'd say something along the lines of 'I thought we'd be a good match because we both have big heads.' This is bad..nevermind.

N
the one exception, is if it's something they have mentioned themselves, and you casually say something SMALL regarding the particular item
Example: If I say "oh god I have the biggest hair ever! AGH what a mess!" in my profile, you can say "So how to you maintain that lion's mane of yours?"
...Also I made that up. No one has ever said that to me

Randy
In my defense!...this girl's head...tis pretty large.

N
This is why we have a blog
Dating PSA of the Day: Don't insult your gal in the first message. As I told Randy during our conversation, we're not on a grade school playground.  Performing the verbal equivalent of pushing a girl down into the dirt and pulling her pigtails will only increase the odds of you not getting a response.  Why would any woman worth your time (men, I'm speaking to you) put up with being insulted upon first contact?  If I read that, I would personally think, "Wow, what a dick" and never reply.

This is why I constantly stress not trying to be too funny -- just be yourself!  And, as I mentioned, keep it small.  An offhand remark that does not directly reference a characteristic in a negative light typically comes off fine.  However, I suggest saving that trick is for the advanced learners out there.

My intention of adding reader comments to the blog is not to deter anyone from asking questions.  In fact, the opposite is true.  I welcome response and inquiry with open arms!  And please understand I recognize the difference between being cruel or brusque and actual tact.  No friends were harmed in the creation of this PSA.  I simply think you should know what you're in for.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

This Guy is Real....FML

My self-summary
whats up i'm rob, my friends call me rocky. not gonna lie i have a hard time limiting myself to one girl sometimes..lol. but i like to treat a girl if she's worth it..i can be the knight in shining armor when the mood strikes
 
I’m really good at
sex..lol
 
ummm what is funny about being good a sex? IF its true that's an accompishment, NOT a joke.
 
The first things people usually notice about me
1. my body
2. my attitude - some people call it cocky, i call it swag
 
I didn't know people actually thought "swag" was real...uh oh
 
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
scarface, transformers, pirates, entourage
 
what kind of pirates are you referring to dude? The movie? Just general pirates?
No, seriously. This is the most intersting (and least douchey) part of your profile...WHAT KIND OF PIRATES!?!?!
 
I spend a lot of time thinking about
the meaning of life...real talk
 
can anyone explain to me wtf "real talk" is? as opposed to baby talk?
 
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
i'm pretty anal about hygiene...i keep it very trim "down there" lol
 
again, what's so funny about shaving your balls?

You should message me if
you think you got what it takes...lol. not to be mean but if you're not bangin don't even bother, i get hit on enough as it is
 
ew, Rocky, just ew.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Friday, October 12, 2012

LA's New Dating Game

About a month ago I went on a Los Angeles first - a Grouper. Several months ago my good friend N found this thing that was happening in NYC and San Francisco and invited me to join. I did, and promptly erased it from my memory...or maybe that was the wine?

Anyway, last month my good friend E called me up and said, "Hey! I got invited to do this Grouper thing. Are you in?" "Oh yeah I totally signed up for that thing ad invited a BUNCH of people to do it!"  Let me explain, Grouper is a dating service that sets groups of 3 girls and 3 guys up on blind dates and it just started in LA. Which pretty much means you get to meet 3 new randos with your wingmen (or wing-bitches as it were). So we went on this Grouper to a wine bar in my West Hollywood hood and it was pretty awesome. So good in fact that we went on another last night!

WHAT A MISTAKE

1. This bar was on the outskirts of the fashion warehouse disctrict downtown...aka the end of the world. I'm convinced that we had to go through a black hole or the time-space continum to find this place. There was one block of civilization surrounded by hoodlums and hobos with knives - and the American Apparel Factory...clearly we were going to die.

2. Two of the guys were on time and cute - a doctor and a guy who works in chocolate finance? yes please. Too bad their friend was a total douchebag. Also, I'm pretty sure he kept going to the bathroom to snort coke (he's a "club promoter" after all). For every good/funny/sweet thing these guys said, their idiot friend would say something about nipples or having one of the girls make out with a hobo. No thanks dude, no thanks.


shit, I'm discovering that I have a lot less to say about this than I did last night after 2 rounds. Whatever. So the first 3 on 3 was pretty cool. The second was not nearly as good...I thought I was done with the coke-head weirdos when I graduated...clearly not.

N, you wanna get in on the next one?

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

An Essay on Essays

No one wants to start reading an online dating message only to realize it is, in actuality, a lengthy term paper full of grammatical errors, disastrous attempts at humor, insipid responses to profile topics, and thinly (or not-so-thinly) veiled sexual innuendos.  While I generally agree with my co-blogger regarding the discouragement of The Essay Message, I am here to do something I don't normally do: discuss my very personal experience with this subject in a non-comedic manner.

There are exceptions to every rule, and the "no essays" clause is among them.  One of the first messages I ever received online was the exact definition of the dreaded profile response essay.  It was multiple paragraphs, had several humor-intended remarks, and touched on more than a few of the topics mentioned in my online profile.  My automatic response upon seeing so many words in one location was "oh fuck that."

I can't say what made me pause.  I can't say what made me read the message in its entirety, then check the writer's profile.  All I know is that I did.

The message itself was intelligently written; balancing sincerity and wit while giving me a clear portrait of this stranger.  He obviously did not expect or demand response, but was putting in his two cents, hoping I would take the time to read.  And even the profile thumbnail attached with the message displayed nothing overly remarkable, just your average run-of-the-mill picture of a fairly attractive guy with a smile on his face.  However, the content of that essay message struck me, and led me to check out the modestly developed profile for more.

What convinced this individual might be worth contacting back?  Clearly they took the time to read what I had said, found it at least mildly humorous -- that's a big sell for me, and piqued my interest by pulling several key points from my profile for response.  Less is more, guys.  Pick one or two details.  Don't just respond in kind to everything on the lady's online profile.  Following up a personal detail with a similar point from your own life lets them get to know you before ever looking you up.  To be interesting you must first show you're interested.  Ask a pertinent question of two.  After all, this is meant to be a conversation.  Finally, don't try to bowl her over with laughter the entire way through: you are not as funny as you hope, and will probably sound like a tool (ask "Lenny").  A little dab'll do ya.

Generally speaking, simpler is better.  A few lines of clever and engaging text suit fine.  Remember my story as the exception to the rule "C" discussed.  If you even for one second presume you are the exception rather than the rule: you are wrong.  If you intend to say more than a few sentences, you have to realistically consider that your intended recipient may overlook your message completely.  It happens.  At the very least, consider this post a jumping off point when you find someone you feel requires a little more of your attention than usual.  Never fear, if things don't work out, it probably wasn't meant to happen anyway.  Then again, she may surprise you.  There is always the chance she will enthusiastically reply.

I understand if you don't believe a single word of this analysis and explanation.  To that end, allow me to finish my story.  As you know, I did reply to my mysterious essayist.  In truth, I eventually replied several more times.

And we dated for four months.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Please Stop Sending Me Essays

There are a lot of things that bother me about dude's on the internet. It bother's me when they message you and simply say "Hey." Hey what? You might as well have just grunted or whistled at me like the creepos I pass on street. But one thing that bother me more that nothing to say is guys who think that by writing irritatingly-long messages that they can confuse me into finding them interesting. "Oh look how much he has to say! He must have a great personality and be super fascinating!" Lies. Commenting on virtually everything I've written in my profile is not fascinating - I already know how awesome and witty my profile is, I don't need to relive every sentence of it.

Bite me, Lenny.


Hi,

My name is Lenny and the good times should never stop here in beautiful California. Even the weather shouldn't stop you. Where there is a will, there is a way to be outside!

I am used to an outdoor voice. My dad's side of the family speak like they have a loudspeaker. My Aunt definitely takes the crown among them though. To top it all off, she is a "Giver" too (I'll let you figure that one out). 

 
 

Now the next portion of his message references the section where I described a dinner party that I often dream of featuring Napoleon and Otto Von Bismarck. And "Lenny" obviously didn't pay attention in his European history class, else he would understand why his version of my dinner does not make any sense:



Last but not least, you need to invite two more people to your dinner party. Genghis Khan because he was literally crazy apeshit crazy maniacal crazy violent. Did I mention he was crazy violent. Also Flanders from the Simpsons, because someone needs to unite Napoleon, Bismark, and Genghis in tearing it up.

 
Oh and he's still not done


I lied, last but not least...College football is WAY better than pro ball. I confess I don't watch much football, but college is way more fun to watch because there are way more screw ups and are less predictable.

Shoot me an email. You sound like a lot of fun to hang out with.

Lenny



WHEN WILL THIS TORTURE END?


That Geico commercial is good, but the one with the piggy squealing with joy in the back of the car is even better. Weeeeeee Weeeeeee! I also can't ignore that one bank commercial where the banker gives one girl a toy pony and the other girl gets a real pony. LMAO.


Can someone just waterboard me already?!


Chicken is a staple of mine. I just hope you like it extra well done...because I am lousy at cooking...:( but no one is perfect right?



No, no one is perfect Lenny, but you are pretty damn far from it.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

One Line Only

The Okay, Stupid Gods didst smile down upon me this most glorious day of our Ermehgeeerd,  October 2nd, 2012.  And it was good.

 It began with a simple and understated:
"Thunda down unda"
Stop.  Clarification necessary: What is, uh, this sentence referring to, my good man?  Do I give you the 'thunda down unda [sic]?' Or might you be suggesting I have the 'thunda down unda...?'  Do you need to seek professional treatment from a practicing physician for said 'thunda?'  In this case, might I suggest your local Planned Parenthood?  They are knowledgeable, discreet, and will shower you with oodles of contraception methods to prevent you from contracting 'Thunda' again in the future.  Ok, ok, how about this: three words. Five syllables. First syllable sounds like....

Frankly, I'm just confused.

My favorite one-liner that day goes to the gentleman who said this:
 "Soo.. Where should we go on our road trip?  I'm thinking Bora Bora :)"
Refresh my memory, please, but when did I agree to road trip with you?  Listen, pal, I hardly ever agree to road trip with close friends, let alone complete strangers.  Slow your roll, son.  More importantly, who failed you in geography?  (This travesty brought to you by the public education system of 'Merica.)  Most painful.

Thanks, WaitingforSuperman, but if I need to get to Bora Bora anytime soon, it will be by plane; not submersible James Bond car.  However, if you did perchance own said submersible James Bond car, I might take this journey under more careful consideration.  Only, you would have to let me drive.

- N

Monday, October 1, 2012

I'm assuming it's German

I received this today:


hallo wie geht es dir. möchtest du ein bisschen Kartoffelsalat? ;)


There aren't a lot of words. But the few that I do have are mostly this: I don't speak German. I don't read German. I'm not German. What. Is. Happening.

Also, according to the sketchy translation service I just used on the internets this guy is asking me if I want a little potato salad. Clearly we are not meant to be together, otherwise he would know that I don't eat potatoes...or salad.