I know it's been a while...but some guy ran away from me

Hey all,

I know we haven't posted in a while - both of us have VERY busy jobs - and we're all dealing with the a-hole dudes in our lives.
No really, I know it's been a while but the last guy I went on a date with literally ran away from me.

I've been messaging this guys for a couple of weeks, which then progressed to some serious texting. The whole thing lasted a few weeks longer than I normally would approve of, but in my line of work (cough, cough, retail) it's a little busy this time of year.

So Alex - oh yeah, his name is Alex - and I went out for a drink in my 'hood.  One drink turned into three and turned into dinner and five hours later I was all "oh gosh, is it already 12:30?! I have to be at work at 8. Time for me to go home." Alex, being the awesome guy that I thought he was offered to walk me home.

Now, a girl might think that after five hours of a date, where you insist on paying for everything and then insist on walking me home in my incredibly safe neighborhood, that Alex would be interested.

HAHA the jokes on you fuckers, because he wasn't. This guy walked me home and then fled as if I told him that I was wearing a smallpox blanket. No "thanks I had a great time" hug. No "let's do this again soon" weird cheek kiss/hug. Not even an "sooo, this was...great?" super awkward goodbye. Just a fucking cut and run as soon as I was at my door.

Now, gents...whats the deal. I'm not about to spend five hours, let alone my $$$ on some guy who turns out, I'm not that into. What happened here? No seriously, WHAT HAPPENED? If you're not interested, please just say something. Don't lead me on for an entire evening (an evening I could be drinking wine alone in my underpants, thankyouverymuch), and then not do anything about it.

Listen. I wasn't invested in Alex. I was invested in my five hours, my Blue Moons and my burger. But if Alex wasn't interested in me, why was he too afraid to say so? At this point in my life I'm not looking for anything resembling a serious relationship - and I'm certainly not hiding that fact. So if all I really want is your honesty, why is it so hard to tell me no? Oh, and maybe I should mention that I'm an actor so rejection REALLY HONESTLY SERIOUSLY doesn't faze me.

WHAT THE WHAT?!

Sleazebag of the Week: Thanksgiving Edition

No contest.  I present to you, ladies & gentlemen, our winner... Or "weiner" as the case may be.

I rest my case.

My favorite part of the entire thing is "No, it doesn't make me feel good!"  Well.  To be fair, I did warn him.

It also would appear "SickPuppy" has the same understanding of female reproductive system as many male members of the GOP.  If I met this person, I would want to gently clasp his arm, look deeply into his eyes with concern, and say, "You know that's not anatomically possible... Right?"  Dear God, is there any hope for the future? These are the things that keep me awake at night

Final thought:  Last time I checked, being Jewish did not suddenly absolve you of being a complete fucking moron.  Thanks for playing, though.

On a related note, I will most likely be off PlentyofFish soon.

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You know how I can tell right away you don't have game?  You use the tactics in one of the books in the following article: 6 best-selling books with bad dating advice

Do yourself (and me) a favor - just be you!  Then you won't need this ridiculous and illogical drivel.  For instance, if you used a "neg," I would probably think you're an asshole and walk away.  It's much more interesting to have a connection with a person that has an actual personality rather than a set of tactics they deploy at will.  Eventually, she's going to learn you have nothing else to offer and ditch your ass anyway.  So... yeah, just be yourself.  Please?

Drunksgiving

Every year N and I have a wonderful, drunk, Thanksgiving. No matter who we celebrate with, whose house we are at, we always seem to get super noshed on wine.

And this year, we're blogging about it!!!

Funny shit that N says:
I was messaging with this guy on ____. After telling him about listening to my cousin's college radio show, he messaged me back saying how nice it was that I was supporting my brother while he was in school...then he spelled my name wrong.
Brother?! As far as I know, I don't have a brother. Who could this guy be talking about? And why did he spell my name like that? THERE WAS AN EXTRA "H!" I clearly ended my last message with my name....hmmmmm, something's not quite right.

Funny shit that C says:
so you know that friend that I have that I've been leading on since high school? C'mon, boys, you know you have someone on the hook -- admit it!  Well I invited him to come stay with me for a weekend...bad choice? Oh yeah, and not only am I not attracted to him in the slightest, but I was contemplating telling him that I slept with his best friend...?  Err... Probably not right, because that would be mean?

Funny shit that WE say:
So you know that guy that I'm not supposed to be seeing? The one that everyone hates for a good reason...you wanna know why I'm really with him? It's cause he's really good at stuff ;)
Just kidding, it's cause I HATE MYSELF.

five minutes later...
C: BUUURP
N: excuse me
C: bitch, why did you say excuse me? I'm the one who burped
N: i burped too!
C & N high five

Sooo N and I are watching The Holiday. When Cameron Diaz's character goes to Jude Law's house and finds out that he has two little girls, N proceeds to freak out and yell this: "I'M OUT! I'M OUT! That has happened to meeeee, I'm out!!!!!"
Meanwhile, I proceed to think about all the ways that I can make these little girls make me their Princess Queen, and still get to sleep with their dad- JUDE LAW.

"Boy, That Escalated Quickly. I Mean, That Really Got Out of Hand Fast"

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Maybe I look Jewish?

A few months ago I received a message. Let me be clear, I spent my entire childhood education at an Episcopal prep school, essentially attending at the very least 2 church services a week for 12 years. I am not particularly religious person and explicitly say so on my profile.

Hello, how are you? L'Shana Tova (Jewish New Year)...I was taking a look at your profile and I like what I see and read. I think I wrote to you in the past but don't know why we haven't talked. Hope this time around it will work :) 

Maybe I look Jewish with my blonde hair and blue eyes, but why oh why would you re-message a girl who never replied to you in the past? What is that going to accomplish? And clearly since I haven't looked at your message in months, it did not work sir. Hopefully you're doing something better with your time now, perhaps trying to grow a nasty stache for Movember.

Guys Will Only Get as Low as You Let Them: A Mandatory.com Response

Fear not, solitary dedicated reader who I swear checks our blog every morning for new posts!  Your Okay, Stupid prayers have been answered!  The God(esses?) smile down on you with glad tidings this day.  (Bee-tee-dubs, we do not update more than once or twice a week, so you're probably good if you back it off a skoatch.  It's chill.  I'm pretty sure I know who you are, anyway.)

Today my friend sent me an article "exploring" OKCupid's slimier male denizens.  I swear, if you had told me this morning I would be sitting down to write a quasi-defense of OKCupid, I would have laughed in your face.  Then, I read this article and realized I had much more to say on the subject than I thought.

Admittedly, I was full of the warm-fuzzies after seeing K's post on my Facebook wall.  It's nice to know someone's listening out there!  Then, having read the article, my happiness meter went directly into the toilet...  'Cause that's where shitty feelings go.

To read the full article, please go HERE.  For the rest of us, let me quickly summarize.  In an effort to experiment with just how far men are willing to go to get laid (I'm assuming that would be the general endgame for most of the guys who contacted him), the author created a fake profile, using a picture of a conventionally attractive, young, brunette girl.  He then filled "her" profile with some of the most idiotic, nonsensical statements, terrible grammatical and spelling errors, and racially insensitive jokes I have seen admitted to an online dating website.  He even threw in a light-hearted felony reference.  You know, for kicks.  Then he waited to see who would contact this "girl" and exactly how long it would take before they were turned off by her stupidity.

When I first started reading, the idea seemed like a relatively harmless and ultimately hilarious undertaking.  Things turned for the worse after I got a few paragraphs in.  As I was reading, the article began to depress me more and more.  It painted a very bleak picture of what was available out there for us singles.  The level of desperation involved for some of these guys was staggering.  I began to question my chances for success in dating -- not only on the site, but in actual, real-world encounters -- with these kind of people in existence.  Was this it?  Was this really the summation of everything I had to choose from??  Imagine how terrifying it would be for you to realize there isn't a single soul on this Earth interested in sharing a real relationship with you.  You are completely, utterly alone, surrounded by people simply wanting to get their rocks off.  Well, that's precisely what I saw before me now.  I was fishing in an empty sea.

After a few moments processing my thoughts, I went through the comments to gauge others' reactions.  One particular comment struck a chord.  I now realized why I was so unsettled and aggravated by this reading experience.  First of all, it's a terrible article.  It proves absolutely nothing but what we already know: 1) how shallow people will pursue someone based solely on their appearance, and 2) that really stupid people are going to do really stupid things.  How is any of this news?  You put some fake, naïve, attractive woman out there on the Internet and give them a moron's profile, of course guys are going to try to get some poon from her.  It's Barbie Syndrome: all looks and no brains.  For all appearances, she's an easy target.  Over half these guys wouldn't dare try that shit if they thought she would shoot them down or have some actual intellectual response to their advances. Now, I'm not saying that preying on the weak isn't morally reprehensible, but let's please be realistic.  There's always been sexual predators on the Internet.  This is an accepted fact.  It's why we take precautionary steps before actually meeting up with someone in real life.  Moreover, being a sexual predator is by no means restricted to only males.  Women share just as much of the blame.  If a woman, who for some reason is sans vibrator, gets on a dating website for sex and sees some attractive, less-than-genius-level guy, she too will probably try get in some horizontal shuffle time.  It's how the world works.  And after considering all of this, I'm no longer depressed about the situation or the article; I'm just pissed off.  I'm pissed off not just because it's a over-dramatized, journalistic-ally unsound "exposé" that does little more than sit back on its high horse and judge people desperately seeking some connection -- any connection (even a penis-vagina-hopefully-orgasm connection) -- from another person in the world, but also because it presumes these lowlifes are the only kind of people on dating sites at all.  "Here" it seems to say "this is all ya get!"

Experience has taught me otherwise.  I cannot be fooled, because I know better for a fact.  I had the good fortune of meeting at least one really fantastic person through online dating, and I know quite a few friends (Not the least of which being C, of course) that are intelligent, caring, and genuine people who also have experimented with this medium. Granted, I have had experience with some real jerks too, but who hasn't?  That holds true to the real world as much as the digital one.  But you have to be willing to experience good and bad to find anything truly worth your time.

Rob Fee's article is meaningless and dull for more than just his falsely informed reasoning.  To me, it's more interesting to explore why and how, all things being equal, guys will get in the way of themselves in pursuit of a woman.  Whether by messaging someone with the same opener five times, contacting another user with little chemistry or commonality to themselves, or even when they seem to have everything going for them, they manage to screw up dates to such a degree that one has to wonder if they made up their entire past relationship experience.  Understanding all of these things is just a more compelling concept and discussion than sitting around proving an apple is an apple, an orange is an orange, or an idiot is an idiot.

To be honest, I will actually sit here and claim that I have been contacted by very, very few truly moronic-beyond-hope individuals.  Misguided?  Yes, of course, like 90% of the time, but nowhere near the levels of stupidity exemplified by the men in the article.  Why is that?  I'm not an easy target.  I say who I am, what I'm about, you can get a general sense of my intellectual level, and perhaps most importantly what I'm looking for.  I mean, even the douche bags who go "hey, interested in something casual?" have grammatical structure down!  They may not be able to read worth a damn, but that's more due to a lack of those reading comprehension skills mentioned in my last post.  Furthermore, even guys requesting "something casual" are rare.  Generally speaking, you can, and do, find whom you're looking for on the site.

If you take anything from this post, at least take hope.  Hope that no, you are not alone.  Put that fear to rest right now.  You will find exactly what you want to find on OKCupid; whether it is a nice fling, a lasting friendship, or, hell, maybe even a stable relationship.  The individuals who can give this to you are out there.  Godspeed, my e-daters!

As for this blog, I intend to never, ever bait fellow users just for a talking point.  Like I said, it's more fascinating to me discussing and dissecting why, given every opportunity otherwise, these guys completely miss their shot.  My aim here is to educate; not ensnare, judge, and otherwise totally belittle the gentleman of OKC.  The one exception to the aforementioned rule being that you're an asshole who creeps on my page before asking me to bone you, in which case I will gladly tear your ass apart using the written word.

Phew!  I feel better... and possibly overly self-important, but what else is a blog for?  Sorry, K, while I appreciate the thought, I had to speak my mind on that one.

Carry on about your business, readers, and expect a less enraged post very, very soon.

Sleazebag of the Week

I sincerely hope today's post will not become a regular feature here on Okay, Stupid.  Although I do feel as if I should preemptively date the the title, just in case.  At this point in my online dating extravaganza, it takes sincere effort and total ineptitude on the part of the sender to get me so riled I can't help but retaliate.  To be perfectly honest, I scarcely respond at all these days, which I think says something about you special gentlemen that invoke my wrath.  Kudos!

For this week's V.I.S. (Very Important Sleazebag), I nearly reached the limit on how much stupidity and utter lack of reading comprehension I could stand.  I give each enraging message a solid 24-hour "cool down" window, which usually means I don't end up responding.  Why would I want to get in a trolling contest with some idiot anyway?  Call it catharsis, call it revenge, but it would be a true shame to let this gem pass you readers by.  This is why I present the Sleaziest Sleaze of the Seven Seas (Thanks, Hook),  our friend "Humpy."  Congratulations!  There were many contenders for the title this week, but... you went for the gold, buddy!

As for my credentials in judging such an elite contest, just ask any of my friends: in a room filled entirely with normal, generally nice males, I will somehow attract or engage the biggest douche bag on the scene.  What can I say?  It's a gift.  In the future, when we all have mutant superpowers, Douche-Dar© will be mine.  Guaranteed.  (Kinda wish it was having my bones fused with Adamantium, not gonna lie.  Man!)

Hello Catwoman.  I'm reaching out because I'm visiting LA next week to visit my brother and looking to meet some new friends.  I needed some time away and unplug from school and work.

Where's your favorite place to hang at?  Would you be interested in hanging?  Great photos, btw.

I would think anyone with half a brain could decode this message with relative ease.  If not, and you are confused, please refer to the end of this post for guidance (Hint: "hang" is slang for "sexy naked times").  Let's start with the obvious: No, I do not want to be friends with your penis.  Now, let's back up a bit and talk about what you can't see from my transcription.  "Humpy" here claims he is 24 years old.  I say "claims," as I have never seen a 24-year-old with a receding hairline so analogous to a distant shore viewed through a telescope in my life.  "Avast mateys!  Thar be hair near!"  Seriously, my father has more hair on his head than this guy, and he's nearing 60.  "Alright," you say, "what if he is prematurely balding?"  Good point!  Many younger men do have this problem, and I genuinely feel for their plight, but do these same young men also have skin resembling worn leather?  No, really, I think if there were a color swatch of this man's skin, it would line up precisely with "Burnt Sienna."

Warning: this color not suitable for human complexion

To avoid any incidents similar to my what occurred in my last post, I did not check his profile to see if he was visiting our fair city from the Jersey Shore.  This would be an unsurprising revelation.  Final conclusion?  This man is not 24 unless he has the same genetic mutation allowing him to age three times faster than the average human, like Robin Williams in the movie Jack (Two R.Williams references in one post?  Stop the insanity!).  However, it would be incredibly convenient if he were a hyper-aging man-child, as that would explain his total lack of reading comprehension.  I could truly spend an entire post bemoaning this aspect of OKCupid users, but I will spare you.  For now.  Let's use context clues, shall we, "Humpy?"  When asked "What are you looking for?"  I strategically selected only two of the options: "long-term dating" and "short-term dating."  Note "new friends," and "casual sex" were not checked.  Right away this precludes any exploration of your nether regions, as you are a fucking tourist.  Boning on your brother's couch is not in the cards, and I sincerely doubt you hope to jump into a committed, long-distance relationship.  Although, come to think of it, it would be hilarious to see this guy run when I ask what time of year he thought best for our wedding.

Though his Catwoman reference may initially strike some of you as odd, I have a confession.  I posted a picture of me in the Anne Hathaway inspired Catwoman costume I wore for this year's Halloween festivities.    In an effort to practice what I preach about posting false information on your profile, I thought I should share that particular image.  It's only fair that if you list your body type as "fit," you back that up.  And bodysuits definitely do not lie.  I posted it knowing that I could potentially attract the creepers, sketch-O's, and sexmongers rampant throughout the website. *Sigh*  "The best-laid plans of mice and men / Often go awry."  Plus, it has C in a kick-ass Ghostbuster jumpsuit.  Why would you NOT post that picture?  It's fucking awesome.  At least Humpy recognizes The Awesome.  He also recognizes boobs.  It happens.

On the whole, this entire email is not only sleazy to the max, it's an insult to my intelligence.  Why would any woman read this and be either A) stupid enough to believe he really wants to "hang out," or B) smart enough to know his implied meaning, yet be so devoid of self-respect and concern for personal safety (sexually and physically), she would consent?  It's one thing to have your little in-town hook up friend, but it is quite another to agree to meet up with some out-of-towner, where your knowledge of them is based only on what they are willing to tell you (which incidentally may or may not be true), for the sole purpose of bumping uglies.  Are there women who actually do this?  Would this kind of email truly work for anyone, ever?  I'm assuming it must, which makes me completely despondent.  "Sad" isn't strong enough a word to convey how disheartened I am by that thought.  Girls, even in your driest of dry spells, don't succumb to sleaze-magnets like this guy.  More importantly, have some Goddamn self-respect.  Give a damn for your well being and safety.  I would rather be utterly alone than have someone use me as a disposable sex toy during their vacation.  Gross.

"Humpy," while I am entirely uninterested, I do have a few friends you should meet.  Actually, I'm positive you are already acquainted.  They're your Ms. Right and your Mr. Left -- if you swing that way.  There's even Bi-curious Thumb!  Fire away, stud.  Neither will they complain about your unwanted sexual advances, nor will they ever turn you down.  In fact, you can all get together at once: go sit and spin, you disrespectful motherfucker.

How 'bout it guys?  Three boo's for "Humpy," our Okay, Stupid Sleazebag of the Week!

In the words of my friend, K,  go "burn in a hole for all eternity."  Regarding your cavalier sex life, I would get tested for STDs before you get to burnin'.  Well, maybe not.  At least if you have crabs, they can keep you company down there!

Pun fully intended.

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Interested in learning which of your favorite celebs have suffered through the woes of online dating?  There's a feature on Yahoo! today discussing just that.

Celebs Who Tried Online Dating!

Props to Deborah Ann Woll -- Jessica Hamby on True Blood -- fellow alum and C's classmate!