Q: What's Cooler Than Cool? A: Ice. Cold.

It's seems C & I have both been remiss in updating our meager -- but very supportive -- audience on our forays into the L.A. dating scene.

Here's a quick recap of the last five months for me: drama, sexual assault (no, this is not a joke), more drama, investigations into restraining orders (unrelated to the assault), a dash of heartache, "wait, you're HOW old," total abysmal emotional spiral, more drama, friend break ups, work break ups, and generally being a total fucking moron and not listening to my head when it comes to matters of the heart.

So, I'm back.  It's a relatively dry spell.  My vagina has only been laid claim to by one person at my new workplace.  Go me! (But really it's kind of a problem.  Ew, stop.)

Seriously, though, maybe it's time to get back to those snarky comments and overly analytical discussions of dating profiles I'm known for most.

Here's one to start us off:

"[...]Hey cool girl i hope my pictures do me justice in portraying my coolness i ooze coolness from every pore LOL hey if you're cool enough then maybe just maybe ill let YOU take ME out on a date LOL (that was a joke in case u missed it or sensitive to sarcasm part of my persona) so if you like what you read and see then you know what to do!!

-IguanaLover97"

Am I the only one who wishes he had actually continued his run-on sentence to describe exactly what I should do?  I was honestly hoping for that.  Frankly,  it's been so long since I shut down my profile that I can't remember a thing about this guy, but I would bet money that the "97" in his username is referencing his year of birth.  Hmmm... what?  I'm an entire decade older than you.  You may be "cool," honey, but right now you're fucking with the Ice Queen.  And this bitch says go get yourself a bottle of lotion and some tissues and call it a day, kid.