Lighten the Mood, Bitch

Have no fear, friends.  In my hiatus post angst-ridden confessional, I have been diligently gathering fresh material from everyone's least favorite system of random encounters with the opposite sex.  I bring some gems to you now in all their gore- err, glory.

In the past few weeks, I have been contacted by extraterrestrials...

You seem fun. I've decided to take you to Mars with me. You wanna drive or navigate? =)

Apologies, E.T., but Mars is dreadful this time of year, how about I sit this one out?

I've also been contacted about participating in some weird, voyeuristic Mickey Mouse-tackling fetish...

Hey Dorothy(If you leftOz, but kept Toto, who does that make you?)[note: I'm pretty sure it still would make me Dorothy, dude] Do you want to go to Disneyland and tackle Mickey Mouse into the ground with me? It will be fun.

Just think how many people are going to be there taking a video of us and uploading it to YouTube. We could become internet stars. [bitchplz, I'm already an Internet sensash! Okay, Stupid what, whaaaat?]

I'm just messing with you. I would never do that, I love Mickey. [That fucker Goofy though...] I read your profile and I want to know more about you, specially[sic] if you're really a girl or just an empty account the website created to get guys to upgrade to "A-list" membership to message you once your inbox if full. How's your week going? Also, I can't pat my head and rub my stomach while hopping on one foot and reciting the alphabet backward, but I messaged anyway, because you can't control me. You're not my Mom. [Really? I hadn't noticed. Also, what's up with the sudden hostility?!]

Write back soon. I have more questions I want to ask [dear Jesus, no.]. If you don't write back, I know what that means. I'll probably look at your profile once more in a couple of days to hide you from my searches, no hard feelings here. ['...But fuck you for not talking to me!'] Good luck with your search.

Take care!

--- I Wanna Wear You As A Skin Suit While Having Acid Flashbacks*

*not his real name

You people need to stop contacting me after the drugs begin to take effect.  Points for excellent grammar (for the most part) though!  

...I bet you're a serial killer.

 

am not (in my twenties) ;\,, is that mean i cant msj you?

Maybe drunk messaging isn't the best bet, either.  No, bro, I'm pretty sure you can't "msj" me because there is no "j" in the word "message."

I've also come across the downright cringe-worthy: 

 

Anyone else wanna say "YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE?!" (Thank you, Mean Girls)

Really, though, that just makes me recoil. Why are you on this site then, Eeyore? Jesus, take your damn raincloud elsewhere.

I guess if this is the kind of thing I can look forward to this summer, I better invest in some decent quality alcohol.  Buckle up, kiddos, it's gonna be one helluva few months.

I'm Giving up Celibacy for Lent

Let me begin by saying I love The Bachelor. Nothing gets me more excited on Monay nights than watching women with daddy issues run rampant on tv. I also love Chris Harrison (the show's host and producer) but that's the kind of love one feel's down below, not in their heart. Anyways....I'm begining with The Bachelor because as it gets closer and closer to the finale, I'm getting closer and closer to killing myself because I don't have a myriad of men who want to date me.

Forget that tomorrow is Valentine's Day (a day I focus more on self love - for instance I love Bruce Willis and Die Hard 5 comes out tomorrow...coincidence? I think not. Bruce loves me too!). Forget that it's been about two months since I've been on a date. Let's focus on the fact that yesterday was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent.

I'm giving up celibacy for Lent.

I don't expect to suddenly be rolling in dudes (although certain recent events don't rule that possibility out) but I'm back out on the market so to speak. After that last guy literally ran away from me, I've been on a dating hiatus. No dating sites, no meeting new guys (which isn't hard when you haven't met anyone organically in about 8 months) and certainly no hooking up with friends. Execpt for that one time that we are not going to ever talk about. Ever.

What was my point? Oh right, not five minutes after I re-activated my dating profile I received this message:

ooompa oompa oompadi doo.. your earz are realy bootiful

great, now I fucking hate myself and my fucking oopma loompa ears.

Wait......how can I be an oompa loompa if I'm as white as paper?? Okay, now I'm just really confused. Does this guys have an ear fetish? What is an ear fetish and what kinds of things do you think it involves? No! Stop it! Get out of that dark place!

I'd like to forget that message happened and just keep getting heart warming notes like this:

Hi there,
I liked your profile, you are beautiful and you look smart too :). I think, we have lot in common and I am sure we can enjoy some good time with each. what say? Lets meet this week or next sometime for dinner/movie/hiking and see how things go.
Hope to hear from you soon.

Dev

Oh Dev, you are too cute and totally made up for that creepy ear guy! I'm not going to date you, but you are certainly on the path towards someone great/someone that can help me break this whole celibacy habit!

So in conclusion, we are all on Celibacy Gate 2013. Lets get this shit done. The time is now. Let's get this girl laid. Let's get it...you know what, I think we all get it.

I know it's been a while...but some guy ran away from me

Hey all,

I know we haven't posted in a while - both of us have VERY busy jobs - and we're all dealing with the a-hole dudes in our lives.
No really, I know it's been a while but the last guy I went on a date with literally ran away from me.

I've been messaging this guys for a couple of weeks, which then progressed to some serious texting. The whole thing lasted a few weeks longer than I normally would approve of, but in my line of work (cough, cough, retail) it's a little busy this time of year.

So Alex - oh yeah, his name is Alex - and I went out for a drink in my 'hood.  One drink turned into three and turned into dinner and five hours later I was all "oh gosh, is it already 12:30?! I have to be at work at 8. Time for me to go home." Alex, being the awesome guy that I thought he was offered to walk me home.

Now, a girl might think that after five hours of a date, where you insist on paying for everything and then insist on walking me home in my incredibly safe neighborhood, that Alex would be interested.

HAHA the jokes on you fuckers, because he wasn't. This guy walked me home and then fled as if I told him that I was wearing a smallpox blanket. No "thanks I had a great time" hug. No "let's do this again soon" weird cheek kiss/hug. Not even an "sooo, this was...great?" super awkward goodbye. Just a fucking cut and run as soon as I was at my door.

Now, gents...whats the deal. I'm not about to spend five hours, let alone my $$$ on some guy who turns out, I'm not that into. What happened here? No seriously, WHAT HAPPENED? If you're not interested, please just say something. Don't lead me on for an entire evening (an evening I could be drinking wine alone in my underpants, thankyouverymuch), and then not do anything about it.

Listen. I wasn't invested in Alex. I was invested in my five hours, my Blue Moons and my burger. But if Alex wasn't interested in me, why was he too afraid to say so? At this point in my life I'm not looking for anything resembling a serious relationship - and I'm certainly not hiding that fact. So if all I really want is your honesty, why is it so hard to tell me no? Oh, and maybe I should mention that I'm an actor so rejection REALLY HONESTLY SERIOUSLY doesn't faze me.

WHAT THE WHAT?!

Sleazebag of the Week: Thanksgiving Edition

No contest.  I present to you, ladies & gentlemen, our winner... Or "weiner" as the case may be.

I rest my case.

My favorite part of the entire thing is "No, it doesn't make me feel good!"  Well.  To be fair, I did warn him.

It also would appear "SickPuppy" has the same understanding of female reproductive system as many male members of the GOP.  If I met this person, I would want to gently clasp his arm, look deeply into his eyes with concern, and say, "You know that's not anatomically possible... Right?"  Dear God, is there any hope for the future? These are the things that keep me awake at night

Final thought:  Last time I checked, being Jewish did not suddenly absolve you of being a complete fucking moron.  Thanks for playing, though.

On a related note, I will most likely be off PlentyofFish soon.

-----

You know how I can tell right away you don't have game?  You use the tactics in one of the books in the following article: 6 best-selling books with bad dating advice

Do yourself (and me) a favor - just be you!  Then you won't need this ridiculous and illogical drivel.  For instance, if you used a "neg," I would probably think you're an asshole and walk away.  It's much more interesting to have a connection with a person that has an actual personality rather than a set of tactics they deploy at will.  Eventually, she's going to learn you have nothing else to offer and ditch your ass anyway.  So... yeah, just be yourself.  Please?

Drunksgiving

Every year N and I have a wonderful, drunk, Thanksgiving. No matter who we celebrate with, whose house we are at, we always seem to get super noshed on wine.

And this year, we're blogging about it!!!

Funny shit that N says:
I was messaging with this guy on ____. After telling him about listening to my cousin's college radio show, he messaged me back saying how nice it was that I was supporting my brother while he was in school...then he spelled my name wrong.
Brother?! As far as I know, I don't have a brother. Who could this guy be talking about? And why did he spell my name like that? THERE WAS AN EXTRA "H!" I clearly ended my last message with my name....hmmmmm, something's not quite right.

Funny shit that C says:
so you know that friend that I have that I've been leading on since high school? C'mon, boys, you know you have someone on the hook -- admit it!  Well I invited him to come stay with me for a weekend...bad choice? Oh yeah, and not only am I not attracted to him in the slightest, but I was contemplating telling him that I slept with his best friend...?  Err... Probably not right, because that would be mean?

Funny shit that WE say:
So you know that guy that I'm not supposed to be seeing? The one that everyone hates for a good reason...you wanna know why I'm really with him? It's cause he's really good at stuff ;)
Just kidding, it's cause I HATE MYSELF.

five minutes later...
C: BUUURP
N: excuse me
C: bitch, why did you say excuse me? I'm the one who burped
N: i burped too!
C & N high five

Sooo N and I are watching The Holiday. When Cameron Diaz's character goes to Jude Law's house and finds out that he has two little girls, N proceeds to freak out and yell this: "I'M OUT! I'M OUT! That has happened to meeeee, I'm out!!!!!"
Meanwhile, I proceed to think about all the ways that I can make these little girls make me their Princess Queen, and still get to sleep with their dad- JUDE LAW.

"Boy, That Escalated Quickly. I Mean, That Really Got Out of Hand Fast"

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Maybe I look Jewish?

A few months ago I received a message. Let me be clear, I spent my entire childhood education at an Episcopal prep school, essentially attending at the very least 2 church services a week for 12 years. I am not particularly religious person and explicitly say so on my profile.

Hello, how are you? L'Shana Tova (Jewish New Year)...I was taking a look at your profile and I like what I see and read. I think I wrote to you in the past but don't know why we haven't talked. Hope this time around it will work :) 

Maybe I look Jewish with my blonde hair and blue eyes, but why oh why would you re-message a girl who never replied to you in the past? What is that going to accomplish? And clearly since I haven't looked at your message in months, it did not work sir. Hopefully you're doing something better with your time now, perhaps trying to grow a nasty stache for Movember.