Lighten the Mood, Bitch

Have no fear, friends.  In my hiatus post angst-ridden confessional, I have been diligently gathering fresh material from everyone's least favorite system of random encounters with the opposite sex.  I bring some gems to you now in all their gore- err, glory.

In the past few weeks, I have been contacted by extraterrestrials...

You seem fun. I've decided to take you to Mars with me. You wanna drive or navigate? =)

Apologies, E.T., but Mars is dreadful this time of year, how about I sit this one out?

I've also been contacted about participating in some weird, voyeuristic Mickey Mouse-tackling fetish...

Hey Dorothy(If you leftOz, but kept Toto, who does that make you?)[note: I'm pretty sure it still would make me Dorothy, dude] Do you want to go to Disneyland and tackle Mickey Mouse into the ground with me? It will be fun.

Just think how many people are going to be there taking a video of us and uploading it to YouTube. We could become internet stars. [bitchplz, I'm already an Internet sensash! Okay, Stupid what, whaaaat?]

I'm just messing with you. I would never do that, I love Mickey. [That fucker Goofy though...] I read your profile and I want to know more about you, specially[sic] if you're really a girl or just an empty account the website created to get guys to upgrade to "A-list" membership to message you once your inbox if full. How's your week going? Also, I can't pat my head and rub my stomach while hopping on one foot and reciting the alphabet backward, but I messaged anyway, because you can't control me. You're not my Mom. [Really? I hadn't noticed. Also, what's up with the sudden hostility?!]

Write back soon. I have more questions I want to ask [dear Jesus, no.]. If you don't write back, I know what that means. I'll probably look at your profile once more in a couple of days to hide you from my searches, no hard feelings here. ['...But fuck you for not talking to me!'] Good luck with your search.

Take care!

--- I Wanna Wear You As A Skin Suit While Having Acid Flashbacks*

*not his real name

You people need to stop contacting me after the drugs begin to take effect.  Points for excellent grammar (for the most part) though!  

...I bet you're a serial killer.

 

am not (in my twenties) ;\,, is that mean i cant msj you?

Maybe drunk messaging isn't the best bet, either.  No, bro, I'm pretty sure you can't "msj" me because there is no "j" in the word "message."

I've also come across the downright cringe-worthy: 

 

Anyone else wanna say "YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE?!" (Thank you, Mean Girls)

Really, though, that just makes me recoil. Why are you on this site then, Eeyore? Jesus, take your damn raincloud elsewhere.

I guess if this is the kind of thing I can look forward to this summer, I better invest in some decent quality alcohol.  Buckle up, kiddos, it's gonna be one helluva few months.