Someone Date This Dude

I received the absolute sweetest message from a fella a couple days ago.  That's not even a joke.  It was just that damn nice.  While I have been accused of having the emotional range of, say, Grumpy Cat, in the past, I had to actually keep the floodgates in check this time.  I'm not sure whether it's my current mindset and dating woes, or simply the fact that massive amounts of estrogen hormones are coursing through my body and causing me to devour the cheese and chocolate-related contents of my fridge.  You know that moment when you can actually feel The Crazy take over?  Ooh, I have felt it my friends.  Get ready to ride the week-long emotional rollercoaster all the way to Psychoville (Pop. 1)!  (Sorry dudes, my sistahs know what's up.  Stay strong girlfriends.)

Anyway, for those of you wondering how to tackle the most horribly awkward question ever ("Why are you still single?") and come out unscathed, please note the following passage.  My first tip is to never, ever, ever phrase the question in those exact words.  You're asking for it.  "It" being either a terse response, a nasty quip, or, you know, a swift kick in the balls.  These are all viable options at the disposal of those of us with limited patience. I, for one, choose to breathe fire like a fucking dragon.   That's not even a joke.  I would torch your face.   But, to each his own, really.

I can't believe a woman like yourself is not tied down.  I know I don't know your past and probably speaking out of context but you are beautiful.  Whoever you were with before is not a man in my eyes because no man I know would not try their best to keep a gorgeous girl like you in their life. :) Just saying!  Haha

Ok, so maybe you could have skipped the self-effacing bit at the end with the added "I'm clearly trying to lighten the mood" fake laughter, but if you don't think that's sweet, you best conjure yourself a soul right quick.

Yet for every dude who sends me a message that gives me hope that the human race will avoid Idiocracy-level of stupidity, I receive five like this:

I thought your screen name was a drug reference.
As you can see LA is full of crazy drugged out snobs.  Run.

 Dear Sir, I really don't know what to do with your message.  First of all, I've been here, like, eight years.  I think the statute of limitations on running away from Crazytown expires at maaaaybe six months.  Secondly, and probably more important, it seems like you're actually referencing yourself as a "crazy drugged out snob," in which case, thanks for doing the hard work of weeding yourself out as a crazy cokehead for me!  Whew!  That saved me major time and effort.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Oh, and here's one for the Stalker Files...

How dare you check me out and not even say hello! that's just rude... Now make your mom proud and say hi the proper way ;)

Really, guy?  Was that how your mother taught you to say hello?  Mmm, didn't think so.  Somewhere that woman is sighing to herself and thinking, "How did I raise such a douche?"  Well, maybe not those exact words.

I chose to ignore his message, despite my desire to respond with the explanation that my mother is actually the kind woman that would be proud of me for saying "Hi, I didn't contact you for a reason."  Seriously, guys, don't go fishing for a response.  If you "rate" me or something, I'm taking it as your passive-agressive way of saying you're interested, but only "kinda."  Call me old fashioned, but an actual note will catch my eye where the star system will not.


- N